Fri 8th Feb 2013

Went the the Urgent Review Clinic this morning and long story short, I can stay at home on proviso I obey some rules in respect to going back to hospital if certain things / symptoms present, plus the hospital had stuffed up on Thu morning when they discharged me, they (3 ppl confirmed the same mistake stupid ppl), they specifically told me all my medication was to be 4 hourly not my usual 6 hourly which apparently as I was told today, big major mistake, anyway, mow on 6 hrly for Clindamycin, endone and panadol

Also the course is now 14 days for my antibiotics.

While I was at the hospital waiting, it clicked with me something orange was the photo of the day challenge and here I was sitting in front of yucky but its orange walls, so here it is :)

Photo of the Day Challenge

"lose2liveAU"

feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram

Thur 7th Feb 2013

Went to hospital at 2:00 am this morning with extreme high temps, chills, redness and swelling of the right leg, burning and very intense pain.  

All this started at around 1:30 am and rapidly worsened so I was admitted to hospital for one dose IV antibiotics then bout 8:30 am I was discharged to home on condition I return to the urgent care review clinic on Fri 9:39 am and the they'll decide if I need to be re admitted or stay at home under further care

They've increased my antibiotics strength to 4 tabs (600 mg) plus 2 tab endone, 2 tab panadol every 4 hours so to say I'm nicely doped up is an understatement

Cross fingers that the next 24 hrs show marked improvement which will allow me to continue treatment at home.

Ok :) on to the photo of the day.  Today's word was "your name" and that was pretty easy, my sister had given me this gorgeous picture that was about an explanation of my name

Due for tabs now and hopefully I can get some sleep inbetween, back tomorrow with hopefully some good news.

Photo of the Day Challenge

"lose2liveAU"

feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram

Wed 6th Feb 2013

Photo of the Day Challenge

"lose2liveAU"

feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram

Tue 5th Feb 2103

Tuesday, boy this week just flew past, actually since I started weighing in on Tues this year, each week just flies past and before I know it, it's Tue again and another weigh in.

But today, no weigh in for us, was a bad night for me, took two panadeine forte to try and knock the pain off but it didn't work, just made me extremely hyper and wide awake AND full of pain at 4.00 am, so today I just crashed and tried relaxing, reading and playing Minecraft with Toni-Maree (very relaxing and love playing together with my daughter)

So weigh in next week, but still watching what I eat, drink etc as per CalorieKing and hopefully if I feel better by end of week, the Dr has ok'ed me to go back to gym carefully though LOL have to take things very easy she said hehehe, yeah.... right.. me take it easy.. um, yeah this time I will :)

Photo of the Day challenge is "something I smelled" and what I have is my last cuppacino that I had with Nancy before she died, was a gorgeous memory to see this photo I took back then again and even though I cried today, was ok, was great to see her face in my mind and remember how fiesty she was :)  Love you Nancy :)

Photo of the Day Challenge 

"lose2liveAU"

feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram

Mon 4th Feb 2013

Weird weather again today, cold at night, stuffy throughout the day, grey and sunny skies, think Mother Nature can't make up her mind what to throw at us next lol.

 

Not much happening today, legs have been burning inside, both of them which has been extremely painful, so long shower tonight hoping to make them ease up a bit for me to sleep.

 

Maggie, my thoughts and prayers are with you right now.. talk to you very soon.

 

Photo challenge of day was HOPE and this fantastic painting was given to my by Toni's boyfriend's Mum, Christine and I love it, the words are so real to me and for me, this is my hope.

Photo of the Day Challenge

"lose2liveAU"

feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram

Sun 3rd Feb 2013

Sunday, another sleepless night, had to go to bed early due to leg pain but even with 2 Endone, the pain only diminished a little and I managed bout two hours sleep before giving up and just sitting up in bed with legs raised, reading, listening to music and watching movies on the now indispensable iPad.

I did however get to see another gorgeous sunrise though now late afternoon, it's grey skies, smells of rain coming and very humid, hmm wonder if I'd be lucky and get a really good long thunderstorm?

I'm really enjoying this photo a day challenge, I was reluctant to join in before because of being mostly housebound I didn't think I could be creative enough, but its fun and I'm glad I'm doing it now.  I know some people commented that it was a commitment and if I was strict enough to do it everyday, well short answer is I'll do the best I can day by day and if I can't for one or more days due to being ill then so be it :)

No more only doing things if I was assured of perfect success, I'm not perfect, my life is not perfect and if I waited to do things till everything was right, well, been there done that and that's not living, that's just existing and I'm tired of that, I want to experience life and all its positives and negatives, I just want to get out there and try new things just because I can!

On that note, I have since beginning 2013 been using the CalorieKing iPad app for tracking and I'm loving it, very easy to use and add custom foods plus recipes.

I did weigh in too at beginning of the year as did the kids plus my cat and two dogs lol, it's turned into a real family affair and we are all committed, well the humans are anyway, to making this year count, not just on the scales but health wise, emotionally and mentally as well.

As I am learning to accept with great reluctance is that for me, it can't just be the numbers / scales because with my lymphoedema, the swelling and fluid is so over the place from morning to night that if I focused on the numbers alone I would end up giving in as the constant fluctuations are so extreme from one moment to another that I have had to admit even though my head knows the reasons, my heart cannot accept and I was finding myself falling deeper and deeper into a very dark place.

The other night topped it off for me when I finally admitted to Toni that I felt such a failure, that i was not being a good mother to them because I could no longer do most things I was doing without even thinking a while ago, I mean I used to drag race at Eastern Creek and interstate, I played, coached and umpired competition Netball, played comp Tennis, swam practise every day and competed in swim meets on weekends, as well as have physical culture till I was 15 yrs, I play the piano (went to Conservatorium of Music in Sydney) then had 3 kids, was married for 15 yrs, owned my own business with my ex for over 10 yrs (automatic transmission workshop @ Hornsby).

Now, I'm housebound, super morbidly obese, wheelchair dependant, my son is my carer and socially well, what social life?

And I'll be honest, I had a mini meltdown when I told her how I was feeling, how I wondered if they would be better off without me around holding them back, how tired I was of merely existing watching everyone have a life, how I longed for just one day, one hour with no pain........

I have no answers but I am working on it......

 

Photo of the Day Challenge

"lose2liveAU" 

feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram

Sat 2nd Feb 2013

Very quiet day here, not going to post much tonight as I'm so tired and in a fair amount of pain, actually took two endone short while ago so hoping they kick in soon and help the pain lessen so I can rest

Tomorrow if well, I'll head up to Dr's for blood test and Toni will be home later that night too (she is spending Sat night at her boyfriend's parents place)

I meant to leave my Instagram username here yesterday but totally forgot, anyway, it's "lose2liveAU" so feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram :)

Photo of the Day Challenge

Fri 1st Feb 2013

Wow this year is flying past, didn't help that since 2nd Dec I had been sick 3 separate times with cellulitis, I'd go on course antibiotics tablets and after finishing I'd get sick again within 2 or 3 days, till this last attack actually put me into hospital for four days of IV antibiotics followed by ten days at home with oral antibiotics.

So I have finished my course of tabs last Wed night and after checkup with my Dr today, so far looks good, but have to have blood test on Sun to check on my levels etc,

Also, she wouldn't give me a new script of antibiotics to have at home ready as usual, instead, she said if I don't have any at home, might help me go to hospital faster next time - point taken Doc!

So basically that's me, boring, resting, nothing exciting happening sigh.

Oh I did join in the Feb Photo a Day challenge that's currently running, today being "fork"

Here is the Instagram URL : http://instagr.am/p/VLk4stnwp2/ hope I did it right.

Photo of the Day Challenge

1st Jan 2013 - Tues

First day of the new year, slept most of it away to be honest, every time I woke up, spoke to kids for a while then crashed again, obviously Xmas took a lot more out of me than I thought plus still being on bed rest etc.

So not complaining :) just rolled back over and slept lol

Legs are doing well though, redness in the right leg has almost gone to a faint pink colour now and the pain has decreased from the unbearable, back to what is the new normal level for me.

So, all in all things are improving.

Hopefully I get my new hard drive tomorrow thank goodness, am missing my computer heaps and I didn't want to get behind when my new Tafe online classes start in couple weeks.

Will also be planning what my hopes and goals will be for the coming months too in regards to what steps I need to do in what order to achieve what I'm hoping to this coming year.

Will be seeing my local doctor this week too (and Michael needs to see her too) then need to contact the lymphoedema clinic at either Blacktown or Westmead.

Oh I have finally cancelled my online WW membership, prices going up and quality of service was going down, plus when they admit that I was too hard for them to work with in regards to being over 200 kg plus my disabilities, lack of mobility etc, well, lets just say I'm tired of people telling what I can't do, or what they can't do for me, it's time to take back control.

Thank god for this iPad, without it I'd be lost to be honest.  Being able to still be in contact with people, FB, blogs, etc, makes being housebound not such a lonely place.

New Year's Eve 2012

Mins to go before we see the end of 2012

Been a tough and unforgiving year in many ways, my health and mobility taking a real step backwards as well as the death of my sister Lynne in March due to cancer.

Then ending 2012 back on antibiotics plus 24/7 bed rest from cellulitis has really   knocked me around and for a little bit, I was really starting to doubt my ability to keep going, but after talking to my kids, as usual, they helped me focus on the positives in my life and has made me more determined than ever to finally take control back of my medical / health situation which will in turn help with my weight loss and fitness.

Small steps.

No drastic plans, no dieting, just keeping things simple, basic and manageable, one day at a time and learning that even though my life feels out of my control on so many aspects doesn't make it impossible, just makes it more rewarding when I do finally end up heading in the right direction.

One thing I was going to stop was this blog, I felt that since I wasn't losing, wasn't successful, in fact my life was extraordinarily boring that I was being a fool in keeping it going, actually I'm still umming and ahhing, but for now, here is the last post for 2012, I may be back 1st Jan determined to keep my blog open, we will see.

Christmas Eve 2012

Hot, muggy, steamy, feels like a storm coming but it's all just wishful thinking...
Kids asleep, dogs are tucked away in their kennel, cat is snoring on one of the kid's bed.

And I'm awake :)

Merry Christmas to you all and I wish you all a very happy and enjoyable day with your families.

I'll be back before New Years, so until then, good night and God bless you all and to those who are no longer with us here on earth, I remember you with love and bittersweet memories.

I miss you most of all Lynne, our first Christmas without you just feels so wrong somehow.

Friday 8th Dec - Weigh Day

Fri 8th Dec

Original Weight: 233.2 kg (2010)
Last week's Weight: 206.8 kg
Current Weight: 206.0 kg
Weekly Weight loss: -0.8 kg
Overall loss: -27.2 kg

Still sick with whatever this is, it's not the usual cellulitis that attacks my right leg, this is the left one and just above the knee where there is usually a slight bulge, is massively swollen and has now become bigger than my left leg, new skin is stretching to hold all this fluid and that is the most painful feeling ever, harder to walk as I have to relearn how to balance my legs

No amount of resting or legs up have made this fluid move so if I'm still like this on Mon, I will go back to the Dr's and beg for help as I haven't been in so much pain even while taking strong doses Painkillers every 4 hours as I am right now.

Yes, I prob should go to hospital, but again, I'll see what happens over the weekend (stubborn I know)

BUT I had a loss regardless this week so that is good.

Toni ended up going to gym this week on her own as I wasn't up for it and apparently she had a great time LOL :)

Ok, rest time for me, catch you all later

Sunday 2nd Dec

Cellulitis left leg, extreme pain, redness and now running fever
Spending day in bed plus antibiotics and Endone
Cross fingers I improve without having to be admitted into hospital

Friday 30th November - Weigh Day

Fri 30th Nov

Original Weight: 233.2 kg (2010)
Last week's Weight: 208.2 kg
Current Weight: 208.2 kg
Weekly Weight loss: -1.4 kg
Overall loss: -26.4 kg

Last day of Spring, then it's fast track to Christmas and New Year, this year has been a complete blur to me, sorta glad to see it end and bring in new beginnings, sad to see 2012 end and with it certain memories and feelings.

Anyway, enough of that, today I weighed in and lost 1.4 kg woohoo :) AND as a family, we all lost total of -3.1 kg, yay, go us LOL :) 

Toni lost 0.7 and Michael lost 1.0 kg, not bad at all.

Went to gym today, bloody hot though, 39+ degrees and we sweltered driving there and back, thank god though the gym was air conditioned and when we got home, both air conds (lounge room and mine) were doing their job nicely, so didn't take long to cool down afterwards.

Felt good though at gym, Mel is really committed to helping me and boy she made me sweat hard through our boxing workout today - loved it though :)

Our new dishwasher is definitely making itself at home LOL, kids are using it and I'm finally getting some order back into my kitchen and my plans for total organisation of the kitchen cupboards, fridge / freezer etc are all coming to fruition.

In case I haven't said before, my mum (and my brother in law, my niece and nephew) are all coming to my place Christmas day for dinner and that's a really big deal in a couple ways and for us (kids and me) we have to really plan what we need to do leading up to Christmas in preparing the house etc for this..

I'll explain tomorrow LOL it will all make sense, I'm just so tired tonight I think I'll head off to bed early and get some rest (sleep, wake up in 1.5 hours, then have to wait till pain killers kick in and legs stop hurting as much then fall asleep for another 1.5 hours no more then do all over again, my typical night, I'm lucky if I get 4 hours a night unfortunately, but I'm used to that, cept lately I'm just not catching up at all)

Saturday 1st December

Dec is now here, first day officially Summer and boy was it hot! Was over 39.0 degrees most of the day with frequent rolls of thunder late afternoon but no real storms to help break the humidity, hopefully in next few days we will have one hell of a storm to help cool things down for a while.

Today though I slept so much as I was in some intense pain in my right leg which was frustrating as I had / was hoping to organise plans etc for the coming weeks before Christmas, oh well, such is my life.

Nothing much else to report, see, my blog is SO boring compared to others sigh, hmm.

Am on track though, exercising, drinking plenty water and started taking my multi vitamin tablet today too, the tablet is HUGE though eeek, but I managed to swallow it without gagging, yeah, go me!

Ok that's me for today :)

Wed 28th Nov - blog taken over

Hello, I have taken over mums blog. Mwahahahahahahaha

Enjoying dishwasher too much LOL

Toni

Fri 23rd Nov - Back again

No excuses, just accepting my limitations & doing the best I can in spite of them!

No matter how long it takes!

But I will not let this disease define me, it might hinder me, but it will not defeat me.

That quote above has been haunting me for a long time, it was something I had written a while ago but have struggled lately to actually believe.

I have been silent for so long that its become deafening, I feel alone, drifting with no real purpose, bouncing from one attack of cellulitis to another, from hospital "imprisonment" to home "confinement" with one day blending into each other, I feel lost, confused, tired and most of all, defeated and I hate these feelings!

There were some periods of good times in amongst all this, for example having my bathroom renovated (looks fantastic - will post photos later on), meeting a wonderful old lady called "Nancy" who was opposite me when I was in hospital couple weeks ago and she and I just connected like I have never done before plus we bonded further while in hospital the patient in the bed next to me died violently in front of us (had emphysema and suffocated vomiting up blood, very sudden, very awful)

Anyway Nancy and I meet up on Thursday's for morning tea up the local shops and just chat about everything including the fact Nancy is on borrowed time, she's over 80 yrs old and end stage lung cancer and under palliative care so as you can understand, it was / is really hard for me to get closer to her as I didn't want to go through the pain of losing her like I did with my sister, but what we both are getting from our friendship far out weighs the pain I known will experience in the near future.

But other times the sheer overwhelming scope of the amount of weight I need to lose, my increasing lack of mobility and increased pain levels just makes it so hard to even focus on where even begin to start again.

At the moment it's also so confronting with so many people trying to "tell" you the "right, wrong" way to eat, move, not eat, and so on and doctors that tell you "why bother as its too hard", "you're too big so give up" etc that all messes with my head and clouds the issues even more.

In fact the main thing I have learnt these past weeks is that what works for you, mightn't work for me and vice versa and that's ok! We are all unique and it makes total sense that what best serves our bodies will also be unique and individual so rather than trying to please everyone else or fit in with whatever trend plan is currently popular, I need to focus on what will work best for me and my "unique" body, my health and physical limitations, lifestyle, family situation, environment, and economics. Phew mouthful to say, but in essence, do what is best and works for me.

And that's ok!

I'm going to leave it there for tonight, I'll be back tomorrow hopefully a little clearer and with a better understanding of what's next for me, need time to accept the numbers and to realise that I am worth better than what I think.

Not sure if anyone still reads my blog anymore but for the record stats are as follows (weighed in today)

Fri 24th Nov
Original Weight: 233.2 kg (2010)
Current Weight: 208.2 kg
Overall loss: -25.0 kg

Sun 16th Sept

Again only couple hours sleep then pain / legs gets me up again, so decided to sit back and watch the sun coming up - turned into another blue sky, nice breeze, sunshiny type of day - love Spring :)

Went back to bed about 10.00 after tablets, but after tossing turning for 1.5 hours I knew I wasn't going to have any sleep, so just laid back in bed and read - love my Iphone for all the ebooks I can have on there at my beck and call.

Back up for lunch, watched online recordings of "The Block NZ" (love that show) and just generally pottered around till later in afternoon when I went down for "brief" nap that turned into 2 hours!  Hmm LOL :)

Legs still haven't shown any release in fluid pressure (still feel like they're going to burst through my skin) nor in size but the tabs are controlling the pain a little better which is a major plus.

Dr did want me on slow release morphine based tablets, but I was nervous about that as I had that in hospital and was violently sick so we stopped it and reversed back to Endone (oxycodone) which does work and now I'm taking it every 6 hours for next 20 days, hopefully will help my body to finally relax and start to heal.

Didn't do any study this weekend or work on the online shop I'm setting up for "Slotz-A-Fun Slot Cars" (my sister's and brother in law's business - now my nephew has become partners with his dad (my brother in law) after Lynne passed away)

Sigh anyway, day 2 of tracking is going well, just about to go and have a late dinner so good night and see you all tomorrow :)

Sat 15th Sept

First day back tracking full time and eating good meals throughout the day (normally I pick and not eat much at all which doesn't help in my weight loss believe it or not LOL)

So WW has put me on 66 points and I  had 59 points and felt great, even had plenty of rests throughout the day (thanks to pain killers) but only for hour here and there but add them up they count I'm sure.

Night time sleep is still elusive though, only again 1 or 2 hours at a time and that is frustrating but a side effect of lymphoedema in legs I'm afraid.

Anyway, not got much else to say so taking my 12.00 (midnight) tablets and heading off to bed to read / fall asleep / read / fall asleep pattern.

Fri 14th Sept - Weigh Day

Original weight: 233.2 kg
Restart weight: 212.9 kg - 14th Sept (Fri)

Been a while I know, it's been a pretty horrible last few weeks and it shows on the scales - I am suffering pretty badly with my legs being the most swollen they have been for a very long time and oh so heavy, to even get up and lift them so I can walk is excruciating and now I'm back being housebound as I cannot fit in the car (but forced myself today so I could see the doctor as she was worried bout me and wanted to discuss options for my medical treatment - more on that later)

So, I'm now 212.9 kg and yes I know it's mostly lymphatic fluid but it's still upsetting to see those numbers and remember a time last year when I was trying to get below 172.0 but I will focus on here and now and not stress about what was.

Doctor has now put me on max dose of antibiotics for next 20 days, plus she's given me a "special" script to allow me to have enough Endone (Pain tablets - oxycodone) for next 20 days as well, she wants me to take 1 tab 4 times daily.

I also had blood taken today vials and vials of it LOL she ordered extra tests to try and see what's going on in regards to lingering infections etc as well as my other levels ( Vit B12, Vit D, thryroid, iron etc)

Negatives:

- housebound again.
- I can just get in the car but struggle to shut the door against my legs as they're so swollen now they're literally being pushing into the console (right leg) and the door (left leg) so once the door is shut, I cannot move the legs at all
- way over 200 kg again
- Pain almost 24/7 and even though I am pretty tolerant of pain over the years, these past few weeks have been off the charts
- I'm crabby, miserable, emotionally drained, bursting in tears at drop of hat (even at the doctor's surgery today)
- can't get to gym
- sitting in wheelchair for longer than 20 mins isn't possible anymore as the legs swell up even more

Positives:

- I haven't given up
- I can go back to tracking and eating regular meals, regular times
- Got enough pain killers now for next 20 days (4 x per day) which should hopefully allow me some sleep as well
- I can exercise from home in chair or bed
- I can still enjoy my sunshine from the bed
- I can still bop around to my favourite music
- I can get the weight down no matter how long or how slowly
- I'm alive!

I can't give up and I won't give in, I just have to take each day as it comes with all it's up and downs and remain positive and focused in spite of it all.