No excuses, just accepting my limitations & doing the best I can in spite of them!
No matter how long it takes!
But I will not let this disease define me, it might hinder me, but it will not defeat me.
That quote above has been haunting me for a long time, it was something I had written a while ago but have struggled lately to actually believe.
I have been silent for so long that its become deafening, I feel alone, drifting with no real purpose, bouncing from one attack of cellulitis to another, from hospital "imprisonment" to home "confinement" with one day blending into each other, I feel lost, confused, tired and most of all, defeated and I hate these feelings!
There were some periods of good times in amongst all this, for example having my bathroom renovated (looks fantastic - will post photos later on), meeting a wonderful old lady called "Nancy" who was opposite me when I was in hospital couple weeks ago and she and I just connected like I have never done before plus we bonded further while in hospital the patient in the bed next to me died violently in front of us (had emphysema and suffocated vomiting up blood, very sudden, very awful)
Anyway Nancy and I meet up on Thursday's for morning tea up the local shops and just chat about everything including the fact Nancy is on borrowed time, she's over 80 yrs old and end stage lung cancer and under palliative care so as you can understand, it was / is really hard for me to get closer to her as I didn't want to go through the pain of losing her like I did with my sister, but what we both are getting from our friendship far out weighs the pain I known will experience in the near future.
But other times the sheer overwhelming scope of the amount of weight I need to lose, my increasing lack of mobility and increased pain levels just makes it so hard to even focus on where even begin to start again.
At the moment it's also so confronting with so many people trying to "tell" you the "right, wrong" way to eat, move, not eat, and so on and doctors that tell you "why bother as its too hard", "you're too big so give up" etc that all messes with my head and clouds the issues even more.
In fact the main thing I have learnt these past weeks is that what works for you, mightn't work for me and vice versa and that's ok! We are all unique and it makes total sense that what best serves our bodies will also be unique and individual so rather than trying to please everyone else or fit in with whatever trend plan is currently popular, I need to focus on what will work best for me and my "unique" body, my health and physical limitations, lifestyle, family situation, environment, and economics. Phew mouthful to say, but in essence, do what is best and works for me.
And that's ok!
I'm going to leave it there for tonight, I'll be back tomorrow hopefully a little clearer and with a better understanding of what's next for me, need time to accept the numbers and to realise that I am worth better than what I think.
Not sure if anyone still reads my blog anymore but for the record stats are as follows (weighed in today)
Fri 24th Nov
Original Weight: 233.2 kg (2010)
Current Weight: 208.2 kg
Overall loss: -25.0 kg