Sunday, another sleepless night, had to go to bed early due to leg pain but even with 2 Endone, the pain only diminished a little and I managed bout two hours sleep before giving up and just sitting up in bed with legs raised, reading, listening to music and watching movies on the now indispensable iPad.
I did however get to see another gorgeous sunrise though now late afternoon, it's grey skies, smells of rain coming and very humid, hmm wonder if I'd be lucky and get a really good long thunderstorm?
I did however get to see another gorgeous sunrise though now late afternoon, it's grey skies, smells of rain coming and very humid, hmm wonder if I'd be lucky and get a really good long thunderstorm?
I'm really enjoying this photo a day challenge, I was reluctant to join in before because of being mostly housebound I didn't think I could be creative enough, but its fun and I'm glad I'm doing it now. I know some people commented that it was a commitment and if I was strict enough to do it everyday, well short answer is I'll do the best I can day by day and if I can't for one or more days due to being ill then so be it :)
No more only doing things if I was assured of perfect success, I'm not perfect, my life is not perfect and if I waited to do things till everything was right, well, been there done that and that's not living, that's just existing and I'm tired of that, I want to experience life and all its positives and negatives, I just want to get out there and try new things just because I can!
On that note, I have since beginning 2013 been using the CalorieKing iPad app for tracking and I'm loving it, very easy to use and add custom foods plus recipes.
I did weigh in too at beginning of the year as did the kids plus my cat and two dogs lol, it's turned into a real family affair and we are all committed, well the humans are anyway, to making this year count, not just on the scales but health wise, emotionally and mentally as well.
As I am learning to accept with great reluctance is that for me, it can't just be the numbers / scales because with my lymphoedema, the swelling and fluid is so over the place from morning to night that if I focused on the numbers alone I would end up giving in as the constant fluctuations are so extreme from one moment to another that I have had to admit even though my head knows the reasons, my heart cannot accept and I was finding myself falling deeper and deeper into a very dark place.
The other night topped it off for me when I finally admitted to Toni that I felt such a failure, that i was not being a good mother to them because I could no longer do most things I was doing without even thinking a while ago, I mean I used to drag race at Eastern Creek and interstate, I played, coached and umpired competition Netball, played comp Tennis, swam practise every day and competed in swim meets on weekends, as well as have physical culture till I was 15 yrs, I play the piano (went to Conservatorium of Music in Sydney) then had 3 kids, was married for 15 yrs, owned my own business with my ex for over 10 yrs (automatic transmission workshop @ Hornsby).
Now, I'm housebound, super morbidly obese, wheelchair dependant, my son is my carer and socially well, what social life?
And I'll be honest, I had a mini meltdown when I told her how I was feeling, how I wondered if they would be better off without me around holding them back, how tired I was of merely existing watching everyone have a life, how I longed for just one day, one hour with no pain........
I have no answers but I am working on it......
"lose2liveAU"
feel free to pop on by if you are using Instagram
And thats all you can do, focus one day at a time.... eat as healthy as you can, there are things you can not control in your life, but hey that does not mean you can not have a life.... the scales is only a set of numbers but they should not dictate your life, if you are feeling positive, stay like that, don't let those numbers ruin your day or week - go outside and get some sun on you, go to the shops and enjoy them, have a nice coffee and window shop. Set up a board at home of goals and not weight loss ones but goals you want to achieve, like maybe a special outing, going to a park..... playing outside with the dogs.... And have a good week and love that you are back blogging :)
ReplyDeleteI too have no answers for you chickee but you are certainly worth it and Im sure toni maree told you off for having those feelings But as you say that is how you felt so am glad you told her . Now get on with it live each day to the fullest or as best you can you are an awesome mum and a great friend to have around :)
ReplyDeleteohh hun, it must be sux to feel like that, I have my bad days as we all do, but I can't imagine how low you must get to fall into such a dark place.
ReplyDeleteGlad thou you were able to talk to Toni.
Have never met you Anne...but feel like I do know you through they years we have been "friends" online....luvs ya girlfriend.
It's not often you describe your true feelings here. You write well. I wonder if you can do more with your writing to give yourself a sense of purpose beyond your health struggles.
ReplyDeleteBeing handicapped physically is horrible especially when there is so much pain involved but you are a valuable person with a purpose.
I believe that as you grieve all your losses, and it must seem amazing to have experienced such radical changes, you will find fresh enthusiasm for what you can do.
You have a good number of people cheering for you. When the pain allows think about what you contribute and where your passion lies and maybe you will have something exciting ..... a new dream to build that's unrelated to health and cannot be hindered too much by your handicap.
Remember .... you are amazing and you are strong and you have great worth, priceless in fact.
Blessings