16th April - weight record

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 202.1 kg | 444.62 lb

Now: 200.7 kg | 441.54 lb

Loss: -1.4 kg | -3.08 lb

Total losses: -32.5 kg | -71.5 lb

Losses for 2014: -3.8 kg | -8.4 lb

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Long time since I've last did a journal entry, will try and do them more regularly.

Wow, ok back to needing to lose 800 grams to be back under that dreaded 200 kg, that seems to be my Achilles heel at moment, I get there and bounce back up again.  I vaguely remember when it was the 180's I had trouble getting to, now grrr.

What is frustrating most of all is not having any control or basically none over losing weight, I mean, I do all the right things and nothing, legs swell up, get sick and bam weight is all the place.

So tired of having well gooders telling me "it's less in, more movement" yeah well, it ain't that simple for me! 

I try over and over and just when I think I have it worked out but nope sigh, anyway, here's to a new week.

Didn't make it to gym this week, just struggling with low grade fever, aches etc, mainly trying to sleep and rest the legs.

12th March weigh day again

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 197.9 kg | 434.5 lb

Now: 201.6 kg | 443.5

Loss: +3.7 kg | +8.1 lb

Total losses: -31.6 kg | -69.5 lb

Losses for 2014: -3.8 kg | -8.4 lb

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Frustrating as hell to have felt so good for weeks, with both legs going down in size and feeling really light and finding it so easy to move. It now gradually my legs especially the  right one is getting heavier and more swollen by the hour.

After a horrid week in regards to getting in the car and seating up properly on the seats etc I knew I was in for some problems come weigh day today and yep, gain of nearly 4 kilos (3.7 kg to be precise)

Arrgghh!

So back resting again and limited to short times sitting up in the chair, not what I wanted but anything to help maybe bring the fluid down out of the leg a little faster.

At least this week I got to go to the movies with the kids on Tuesday.  Toni and I saw Vampire Academy in one theatre while Michael popped next door at same time to watch 300 I think it was?

Anyway both finished same time and was fantastic to be out even if stuck in the chair and watch movies again like "real people" lol.

We are going to try and do this more often, maybe once a month if there are decent movies that is lol.

Wed morning I was sitting up in bed at 7:00 am since I had trouble sleeping Tues night so decided to do 30 mins dumbell arm exercises which actually paid off as I wasn't able to go to gym a) cause of the legs and b) Mel my trainer had to attend her daughter's school activity so wasn't going to be at gym anyway and yes I could have still gone and done my own workout while Toni went round the circuit but to be honest, I just was so tired and in pain that I saw it as proof that I should stay home and rest, which I did.

Ok well. Enough of the crying, depressive sad whinging Annie, back to smiling happy excited Anne instead.

Bring on the new week!

5th March 2014 / Weigh Day

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 198.7 kg | 437.1 lb

Now: 197.9 kg | 434.5 lb

Loss: -0.8 kg | -1.8 lb

Total losses: -35.3 kg | -77.7 lb

Losses for 2014: -7.5 kg | -16.5 lb

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Loss of 800 grams this week, doesn't sound a lot but definitely a weight of my mind!  Mainly because I just can't tell any more, with my legs up and down etc, it's all up in the air from day to day how heavy I am and it's frustrating to know you do the right thing but don't achieve it on the scales.

Having said that, after gaining 700 grams last week (birthday week) I was struggling this week for some reason, not sure why actually, just dealing with a lot of pain and the legs were different this week, not heavy but hot spots were happening with feeling of knots deep inside which I am so wary of as I've been warned about the high dangers of blood clots with lymphoedema in legs especially when I've lost a lot of feeling down one side of my body (left) due the major car accident I had 9 yrs ago about this time of year too.

Anyway, week has finished, had a loss and now concentrating on another loss for next week.

Weight updates / birthday

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 198.0 kg | 435.6 lb

Now: 198.7 kg | 437.1 lb

Loss: +0.7 kg | +1.5 lb

Total losses: -34.5 kg | -75.9 lb

Losses for 2014: -6.7 kg | -14.7 lb

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Had a fantastic birthday, kids spoilt me from midnight to midnight, loved it :)

They bought me a grill square pan to go on stove, already tried it with steak and brilliant!

Also apparently there is another surprise later in week that Toni said I am going to cry over, so not sure what that is?

Weight wise, I'm struggling as my body is all over the place pain wise, I'm feeling like the beginning of an infection but just doesn't seem to either get a proper hold thanks to daily antibiotics or to completely clear up, very frustrating.

Not feeling up to updating at moment, back later.

Update Sun, afternoon tea with my family

Had a fantastic day today, mum and John came down for afternoon tea up at our local coffee shop.  First time I've ever done that, the afternoon tea bit and it was really nice.  We sat at the tables outside and had cappuccino with a large hot scone, jam & cream, delicious.

This of course was my early birthday treat and I really enjoyed it, thanks Mum :)

Kids have been sneaking around whispering etc lol not hard to guess what about, but I'm loving it.  I never had birthdays etc celebrated when I was with my ex husband as he didn't believe in it, so for fifteen years, nada.

So kids are making it up for me and it's a lot fun, not at all to do with money or expensive gifts, but rather time together with fun little things like special dinner or sweets etc.

I am anxiously waiting to see what they've cooked up for me in more ways than one!

Hehehe hopefully not a bag of marbles which is what I bought my mum for her 80th as she kept saying she hoped she didn't end up losing her marbles, so I bought her a big bag of them hehehehe

Ok I'll be back on Tuesday with a big update on my big day, well, 49th to be precise lol

19th Feb - weight results

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 195.1 kg | 429.2 lb

Now: 198.0 kg | 435.6 lb

Loss: +2.9 kg | +6.4 lb

Total losses: -35.2 kg | -77.4 lb

Losses for 2014: -7.4 kg | -16.3 lb

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Legs feel great and light even with a gain this week I'm not too disheartened, ok a little bit but I have to remember, I've had some really big losses over the past few weeks and to gain 2.9 kg is pretty tame in the overall scheme of things.

So on to new week with some challenges coming up ie my birthday lol.

Plus our new stove has arrived at the store and is all paid for as of today and will be installed on Friday - woohoo, can't wait!

Tomorrow apparently I have an appointment at home with Hearing Australia, news to me, but ok whatever, they were supposed to turn up months ago but kept cancelling on me, now at least I know they're turning up thanks to a phone call today, so even then they couldn't tell me if morning or afternoon, geez thanks.

Rain rain and more rain but where the heck is / are these promised thunderstorms eh?  BRING ME MY THUNDERSTORMS lol sigh.

Ok, since no gym today due to extreme wet weather, I must compensate somehow here at home, maybe some dumbell exercises watching MKR, but then again, some of the contestants make me want to throw something at the screen so maybe not?  LOL :)

On for the new week :)

Weight results Wed 5th Feb

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 196.5 kg | 432.3 lb

Now: 195.4 kg | 429.9 lb

Loss: -1.1 kg | -2.49 lb

Total losses: -37.8 kg | -83.16 lb

Losses for 2014: -10.0 kg | -22.0 lb

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Well well, a loss of 1.1 kg this week, love it :) so since start of 2014 till now which is 5 weeks, I have lost 10.0 kilos, VERY happy with that.

Things are slowly getting back to what passes as the new normal around here.  

Our visitor who has been here since early Dec left to go back to Melb today so it's just us 3 again which is fantastic lol :) - so much better now, my friendship with this person goes back nearly 8+ years but I've had to finally accept that it was a toxic relationship! had it's good moments! but the majority of time it felt like I was back in my old marriage! I doing everything and getting nothing back in return, to the point on this visit, it felt like we were being used as a hotel, he taking everything from us and giving nothing back.  In fact, he was so rude to me, putting me down all the time, if the kids said something, he'd agree with them but if I said the same thing, he'd say I was wrong and stupid etc.

The kids were getting really upset with how he was treating me and frankly so was I.  I hate giving up on people but I can't continue this friendship anymore.  We no longer have any interests in common, when he's back home he only talks to me when he wants me to do something like eBay etc for him, we don't talk apart from that.  He never asks how I'm doing, even when I'm sick, he believes in everything I don't eg he's racist, extremely vulgar in language, sexist, he hates his family, talks all the time about killing his mum, his brother etc, he holds grudges, swears he'll kill anyone who crosses him, he has weapons and ammo hidden in his room and because of excessive drug use he became paranoid with depressive tendencies which he then "used" to get the disability pension.  Which he now gloats over how much he gets for doing nothing, he has been prescribed medication which he pretends he's taking to everyone else but to me he brags how he fills the script out but throws them away.

Ahhh this is cathartic :). I've never been able to admit this before, but I need to walk away from this "relationship" and I'm at peace about it.

All I wrote above is the tip of the iceberg, but you get the point.  After this visit (18th Dec till today) I'm out of pocket a lot as we paid for everything, food, drink plus the little room (which he did pay a weekly rent to the company direct for) but he used the air conditioner all the time in there so I'll have to pay extra on my next electricity bill, so yep, I'm broke.

If he even offered to pay for his share meals or drink, or offer to help us round the house etc, would have been great, but he didn't, he just lounged all day in lounge room watching tv or playing computer games in his room just popping out to ask when dinner etc, he left our front door unlocked at night, always came into my room when I was asleep and just stand right next to my head and just stare at me till I woke up then smirked and walked away.

He just seemed to think me and everything that was mine was his, he'd go through my drawers, read my papers, go through my purse, go on my computer etc, when I asked him to stop he'd laugh at me and keep doing it, he'd wake me up all the time, said I was sleeping too much, he made the kids so mad this time round, even Toni was snapping at him to stop treating me like he was, he just saw me as his I don't know what actually?

I am scared of him to be honest, this is a man who on arrival asked for a knife to put under his bed, he kept saying if anyone broke into his room he'd stab them and take the body up the Blue Mountains to dispose of... I don't know how much was bluff, but I've had enough.

So he's gone back home and I've removed all ties to him from my computer as in contact, like Skype etc so he can't see if I'm there or not.  I want out, he's not the friend he used to be in the past, he's not good for my family and it's time I stood up and say I'm worth better than this!

But I'm sad too.

Weight result - Wed 29th Jan

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 198.5 kg | 436.7 lb

Now: 196.5 kg | 432.3 lb

Loss: -2.0 kg | -4.4 lb

Total losses: -36.7 kg | -80.7 lb

Losses for 2014: -8.9 kg | -19.6 lb

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Well after not only keeping off the 8.2 kg loss last week, this week I lost another 2.0 kg!  So I think I can safely accept the numbers from last week - woohoo :)

But I'm still not eating anywhere enough daily and my fitness pal is going nuts telling me this each night as I close logging for the night so I really do need to pick it up more.

It's telling me I need to be at least eating 1200 cal so I am going to try this week and see how it goes.  For the record I'm still only managing around 800 - 900 cal daily so yep room for improvement

Unfortunately was unable to go to gym today as Toni had a problem with her right eye and with her friend's wedding coming up soon, I wanted her to just rest and help the eye improve.

Tomorrow new day, will try and have at least the minimum calories of 1200 if not more and hopefully soon I will feel up to eating and enjoying my meals rather than just eating cause I have to!

Weight Results Jan 22nd

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 206.7 kg | 454.74 lb

Now: 198.5 kg | 436.7 lb

Loss: -8.2 kg | 18.0 lb

Total losses: 34.7 kg | 76.3 lb

Losses for 2014: -6.9 kg | -15.2 lb

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Worried that this isn't a true weight loss as I only managed an average over four days of 666 cals cause I stressed myself out about a situation that I always knew would be happening in the future but I got a wake up call that it could be a lot sooner than I thought and I just completely broke down last weekend.

Don't worry it's nothing bad, in fact it's a natural situation that I know is good and right but it means a major adjustment for me and the kids and that's what I'm having an incredibly hard time with right now.

So I'm just trying to focus on eating healthily even it's it's only small until such time I'm ready and dealing better with future changes in our lives.

So till then, I'm still here, still on track, still going to gym (like today) and just focusing on toughening up emotionally, mentally and physically.

Weight Results for Wed 8th Jan 2014

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 205.4 kg | 451.9 lb

Now: 206.0 kg | 453.2 lb

Loss: +0.6 kg | 1.32 lb

Total losses: 27.2 kg | 59.88 lb

Losses for 2014: +0.6 kg | +1.32 lb

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Frustrated but having to accept this gain, but now concentrating on the new week.

Been really hard these last couple weeks and harder times to come emotionally with decisions I don't want to have to face let alone make in regards to my mother.

Just trying to keep things together right now.

First day back at gym for 2014

I'm not sure if I mentioned this on the blog or not but I had another episode of back / leg spasms starting morning of 27th Dec which was the night my family was coming down for Xmas dinner plus I had invited Toni's boyfriend Paul and his mum and dad too as I actually hadn't met them yet, so thought this would be perfect with all my family around to meet them too. 

(On side note, my mother actually was very upset with me for having invited them and made sure I knew that, plus she wasn't happy about coming down anyway even though she didn't have to drive as my brother in law was bringing her, but she was going through her phase of telling her friends and church family that the wrong daughter had died, Lynne had so much more to offer than I and had achieved so much, it wasn't fair that it was her, not me and so on, so as you can understand, I was pretty hurt by that plus the fact she didn't care enough to want to meet her granddaughter's prospective in laws either, anyway I digress)

The lymphoedema flares up at times not with cellulitis but with what they think is tiny clots or blockages where all the crappy toxins trying to get out of my body gets blocked and presses on nerves that then shoot incredible pain through my back, side and down my right leg as well as weakening the leg to where I couldn't put any weight on it at all and of course, it chose today to flare up again even worse than normal

So I had to be doped up the highest I have had since my last hospital admittance which did help with the night but I have been paying for it ever since, it normally can take up to 14 days for the pain to lessen and I regain what normal use of the leg I have.

Anyway, I was feeling better today hence me going to Curves gym tonight just for a gentle workout and now I'm back in bed resting hoping that I don't pay for it tomorrow

Looks like we are changing our gym days to Weds at 6:00 pm so that will be interesting :)

Ok pain meds are kicking in so might try and get couple hours sleep, night all :)

Weigh in results for 1st Jan 2014

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 204.5 kg | 449.9 lb

Now: 205.4 kg | 451.9 lb

Loss: +0.9 kg | 2.0 lb

Total losses: 27.8 kg | 61.2 lb

Losses for 2014:

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Welcome to a brand new year, new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams, new needs, new wants.

I am going to do things differently this year, mainly my attitude, I want to toughen up mentally and put myself, Michael & Toni-Maree first, in all I do and say.  To concentrate on doing what I need to do to better myself physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.  Hopefully this will then enable me to focus more on losing weight and coping with the lymphoedema and it's side effects such as cellulitis, lessened mobility and being housebound more often.

Then of course I want / need to focus more on OTEN to this year, this month even.

Oh for the record, when I think of family now, it's more like me, Michael, Toni-Maree & Paul H with mum, John, Kate & Andrew plus Christine & Craig.

Unfortunately I have had to accept that Darren for whatever reason is not interested in me or us being part of his life and much as that hurts, I need to let go of this as it only hurts more while I keep thinking "what if?"  I need to close this chapter and move on, though the door will always be there and unlocked for him so to speak, it no longer will be opened on my side.

Harsh but I need to do this, to refocus on whom and what is important in my life.

I want to make this year a better one for Michael & Toni-Maree and one of these steps is to be more at peace with myself, less stressed and more in control of what I am able to control.

"Don't sweat the small stuff"

"Que Sera Sera"

"Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin." - Mother Teresa

"Carpe Diem."

I want to live the best I can, enjoy my family, laugh, cry, have fun and just live life with no regrets, no "what if's", no "I can't", but rather why not?