Sat 30th Jun

Quiet day today, just taking things easy, only Michael and I here today, Toni was off at the boyfriend's place for the weekend as it was her boyfriend's father's birthday on Sunday, so they were celebrating.

I finally did it, took my first dose this morning of Thyroxine, was diagnosed with underactive thyroid (hypothyroidism) back in late Feb but with so much happening at the time, I was unable to start taking my tablets.

Now I feel ready to commit to taking these every morning for next 6 weeks then I'll be going in for blood tests to see what progress I've made.

After reading up on all the symptoms etc hmmm explains a lot, this condition combined with very very low iron, vit D, vit B12 levels plus lymphoedema, no wonder I'm fighting an uphill battle - well, let's see how we go in next 6 weeks :)

At least it's a start! (posted on FB earlier today)

Strange though I've been reading a lot online on our health dept websites and it's ironic that a lot of the symptoms I've been experiencing this past year are the same for either hypothyroidism, low levels in vit b12, d and iron plus lymphoedema.. so will be interesting to see how things improve over time.

But I have to admit, I am somewhat relieved in knowing that there could be a real reason behind all my problems and that I could have a real chance in turning things around rather than believing the doctors when they tell me I can't be helped and to give up.

Anyway, dinner tonight was scrumptious as usual, we had homemade pizza's on light tortillas and was so filling.

We also had a small slice of Sara Lee Carrot cake which was so nice too.

Tomorrow hopefully if she's home early enough we'll be having a roast lamb dinner :)

Fri 29th Jun - Weigh Day

Disappointing to say the least, I gained 0.5 kg this week, even though 100% on track, I did only manage 1 lot of exercise and the legs were very very swollen and heavy so the slight gain while not liked, was expected.  So no doom and gloom today (well, ok, I had a little bit bout 10 mins worth LOL) but picked myself up and moving on to a new week.

Realistically, the best I can do at the moment is rest, exercise at home while I can (don't know if I can even get into the car at this stage) and continue monitoring what and how much I eat.

Apart from that, I have no control over the legs so my time and energy is best served concentrating on what I can control.

See what the new week brings me eh?

Only quick update as even though I'm "trying" to be positive, it is hard I have to admit when I'm in so much pain and wondering if it's all worth is.. which of course I have no doubt it is but... I'm just saying LOL

Thu 28th June

Kids did a mad cleaning for me last night / early today which was really good to see (no they didn't read my posts LOL) but even Michael got into the spirit and wow the house looks good today.

Reason they had to do this was I had some people come over today from Fusion plus my OT (Vish) to talk about the big bathroom renovation they want to do to make it disabled friendly / accessible.

Boy all our previous ideas that my OT had come up have flown out the window and Ralph (Fusion) was a funny, genuine, caring guy who just came in and disappeared into the bathroom with Vish.

When they came out complete with drawings etc all he would say was "I think this is a bit radical, but...." and OMG VERY radical indeed and absolutely going to be a dream bathroom for me / us.

I'll show you details later when I get drawings but wow is all I can say right now.

Financially too I only have to pay what I can afford be it 0$ or upwards, it's all subsidised by the Dept Disability and as they said, being an OH&S approved bathroom can mean savings in hospital admissions plus allow me home care as well as the nurses need to have approved facilities before I can go home if hospitalised so that's the BEST news ever.

Plus I get to choose colour paint, floor tiles, wall tiles, border tiles etc - Toni is so excited bout that part LOL and lots more.

Exhausted now though, been another long night no sleep, lots pain so might give in and take Endone after dinner and try resting.

Oh dinner was scalloped potatos with bacon, curried sausages with steamed vegetables - delish!

On track.

Weigh day tomorrow, not worried at all even if numbers are up as food has been 100% but legs have been the worst they have been for a while so eh, it will all balance out over time.

Wed 27th June

Not too bad waking up this morning apart from the usual aches and pains with the legs, but they were still considerably more swollen than normal which is worrying, so will work on keeping them up as much as possible again which is well, I hate having one day forward then like ten days backwards.. it's frustrating.

Miserable day today, cold, windy, drizzling, just the type of day actually to be housebound I guess, see, find the positive :)

Oh, I have a zillion little elves for sale too, if any wants them, they're continually in my leg pounding away on the front leg bones on both legs, only way to describe it, like little elves with little hammers going bang bang bang ... somedays hardly notice others like today, they are really painful!

Ok, enough of doom & gloom, dinner tonight was homemade beef casserole, very tasty and very filling for lowish points.

I also did a major online shop which arrived today full of lots of food staples, fruit and vegies and should see us through till Thu week hopefully, first time in months I actually followed through in doing the online shop, so again another good thing.

I'm slowly getting things back together again, it's tougher than I thought it would be though, little things happen that throw me off badly and it's not as easy to get up after each one and put that "happy" face back on.

Also, it's hard when I really want to do something but I just can't anymore even small things like washing up etc.. sink is too high for me when I'm sitting down, I can't use the hotplates either, again too high let alone cupboards above, just everyday things are tough to impossible to do.  Frustrating!

It's also very humbling having to ask your kids to do simple things for you like making coffee etc.. on my good days I can potter around using the chair in middle of room, but things that usually take 5 mins end up taking 20 mins etc..

And I have learnt that kids never ever clean the house the way I would have and that too is so frustrating, I hate constantly harping about having things done as a routine, but I just can't seem to get my son to realise that routines actually help make life easier, instead of leaving all washing up for days on end, if you do it each night after dinner, it's simple and over with quick but no, he just puts it off and off and off and.. well, you get the point.

Another failure on my part, another thing to put on the list of things I struggle at doing, I confess, I see it as that I'm failing as a mother that I can't even keep my house clean and tidy like I should, grrrrr, sorry, I'm really suffering tonight with pain and I tend to swallow it and not show it to the kids but instead I'm writing it in here, I'd probably come back later and delete this post, don't like people seeing me like this, sorry everyone

I'm struggling to think of positives at this point, maybe that I can still do some cooking / baking, but no that's not a positive when I have to get the kids to get all the stuff ready for me on the table first..

Enough tonight

Tue 26th Jun

I went to the gym today :) Yep, was freezing, drizzling, did I say COLD? But we were determined to go and so off we went.

Was great!  Didn't do weights at all, did all the exercises minus the weights as it has been so long but I felt great afterwards and was good to just be back in the gym watching Toni going from machine to machine plus talking to all the ladies again was really nice, I had missed that.

Only drawback was when I went to get in the car, my right leg just was so swollen on inner thigh down to below knee that once I got in on the seat, the leg just pushed the left one so far to the left, I could hardly close the door :(  That scares me that if we had any sort of accident, there's no room between the door and my legs and the center console.

Also with the right leg so swollen round inner thigh especially, under the leg it squishes when I sit on the seat but then hangs down if that makes sense and after sitting for while in car when I go to get out, that part gets caught under the seat on the catch thing that slides the chair back?  Very painful and very heavy to try and lift the leg up off the seat and twist to left to get my legs out of car..

Needless to say once I got to gym, I was very concerned if I could get back in the car again, which thankfully I did, just, just had to really try and squeeze legs together enough to shut the door, then just grit teeth and put up with the pain til I got home, luckily I was able to manover myself out of the car without too much damage but I won't be rushing to go out anytime soon :(

Anyway, had a lovely lunch today of toasted egg, cheese sandwiches, very delish :)

Dinner tonight was lovely, but we ended up having it round 10.00 pm as both Toni and I slept for a while after gym LOL.

We had chicken schnitzel and sauce with roasted vegetables plus steam vegies, very yummy believe me :)

On track with 61/65 points and I earned 6 exercise points today as well.

Sore, tired, in pain, can't sleep, sigh...

Mon 25th June

Day 3 on track and feeling quietly pleased with myself if I may say so :)  I know it's early days yet but for me, I'm going to just strive to string a whole lot of good days together and see what happens, but having said that, I'm prepared too with an emergency plan for those days I'm sick or in hospital again which is basically to continue tracking even if I only eat miniscule amounts, but to at least track it anyway to help form the habit again. 

My daughter tho will take over plugging it into the computer for me when I'm sick / hospital which is a real bonus, she's really keeping an eye on things for me which is fantastic.  She'll also keep this blog updated when I'm unable to which again is a great help.

Michael has been busy planning meals we can have that are point friendly too which is surprising LOL he usually doesn't worry about that part of things, but he agrees this needs to be a family effort for it to work this time for all of us.

My legs today for some reason have really swelled up to what they used to be months ago which is depressing and very painful (imagine your skin stretching so much overnight that it bulges out from your body, like forgive the analogy, but like sausage mince being put into it's casing and when you put too much in, it splits the skin, that's what it's like for my legs and there are minute splits in the skin which is where the lymphatic fluid weeps and where infections can breed) but so far have refrained from taking Endone (painkiller) as I really don't want to take them more than I need to because once they start wearing off the doctors want to put me on morphine permanently and that is NOT an option for me.
Anyway, enough doom and gloom, on track again today and it feels good :)

Had a lovely piece of porterhouse steak with bernaise sauce, steamed vegetables and lite pasta on side, delicious!!!!!

Sweets or supper was these cute muffin bars (sultana and choc chip varieties) that are 4 points each but they're so nice too and nicely portioned controlled too.

Later after writing this I'll have my nightly Ovaltine Light break for 2 points I think, (will check before having it - been a while since I've pointed sigh) but I have plenty of points left, so no problems.

Tomorrow is gym day! - Please please PLEASE let it be sunny outside and not too cold as I have to be careful going out in rain or extreme cold due to my lowered immune system grrrr.

Anyway, will fill you in tomorrow.

Night all :)

Sun 24th June

Wow, what a fantastic response from you all, thank you so much, definitely felt a sense of peace last night when I went to bed, I hadn't realised how much I had been keeping inside till I wrote a lot of it in here yesterday.

I think too in finally starting to admit that I do have this debilitating disease that has affected not only my life, but that of my children living with me has been like I can finally breathe and be honest with myself and everyone around me.

Putting a smile on my face day in day out has been exhausting, there have been days I have laid in bed crying with the pain, knowing I have to get up just to go to the bathroom, but having to spend so much time working out just how I'm going to swing my legs out of bed, maneuver myself up and then actually stand on my feet and take that first horrendous painful step, it's soul destroying, then having the kids worry about me, makes me angry at the universe, at myself, at this disease, it just all took it's toll and losing my sister was just the straw that broke this camel's back I think.

She too had lymphoedema but of the right arm.  When they took her lymph nodes out and her breast, it resulted in lymphoedema and I'll never forget further down the track when she hugged me and apologised for all the times she thought I was "faking" or exaggerating the pain as she now realised in a very tiny minute way a sample of what I had been going through every day.

But now she's gone and I've lost my big sis, my friend, my confidante, my lymph buddy, my rock and it hurts... more than I ever thought it would.

Mum, well, she doesn't understand, never has and doesn't want to, she was so understanding of Lynne and her lymphoedema, but mine?.. cause mine wasn't cancer caused, she doesn't believe it really is anything, I can't explain it, but I just wish she'd hug me and let me know she might not understand but she respects me and supports me in every way, but as Lynne used to tell me, Mum is Mum, she's never going to change and I have to agree.

See Mum and Dad were both there the day the doctors and their teams after months of tests, biopsies, hospital stays etc finally came to the conclusion that I not only had primary lymphoedema of both legs, but also Lipodermatosclerosis and Elephantiasis (lymphatic filariasis) which meant my legs would "turn into upside champagne bottles with really thin ankles and feet, my legs would constantly break under the weight, absesses, weeping sores eventually leading to gangrene and amputation".

They said there was nothing they could do, go home and deal with it the best I could till the end.  I was too big, too hard to help and that my file was being put into the "too hard" basket.

Those words, sentences above, broke my parent's heart and mine and to this day, my mother won't get past it, just tells me that it's hopeless and I shouldn't keep pushing to be able to achieve things as it wasn't going to end well.

So every attack of cellulitis scares me, I'm worried that this might be the attack to finally make things irreversible.

This disease has taken so much from me and I've been quiet about it, I know people don't know what to say and that's ok, I just need support, encouragement, a hand to help me get up after another bout of cellulitis, an ear to listen, a voice to tell me to stop whining and get up and try again, and most of all, friends to help cheer me on, laugh with me, cry with me, and let me be me in all my glory, damaged legs and all.

Maybe if you all can accept me as I am, then, maybe I can too.

Saturday 23rd June

Hello old faithful friend, I have missed coming on here and blogging each day, but over the last few months, life has just thrown me for a total loop.

Coming to terms with my sister's death has been hard and I'm still struggling with many issues that have arisen from that (I'll go into that as time goes by).

Weight loss, eating healthy, exercise, music, reading, has all flown out the window, I just couldn't get myself interested in anything which was a real concern to the kids as I am normally a really sunny optimistic type of person who loves being with the kids, enjoying life and my music, but I withdrew and kept to myself for far too long.

Along with an increasing attacks of cellulitis that kept me in bed trying to stay out of hospital and the overwhelming pain even at rest that made me feel life wasn't worth fighting for anymore and I have to admit I gave up for quite a long time.

But gradually, I felt more at peace even with all the things going wrong there were still times of joy, of beauty around me and I have started slowly on the road to recovering my self esteem, self worth and focusing once again on my family, my health, my weight loss and ultimately coming to terms with the debilitating issues of my "friend" lymphoedema.

Part of this recovery is coming back to blogging and rejoining Weight Watchers, (they did cancel my account but that was due to a fault on their end which has now been fixed) and hopefully next week returning to Curves.

I am grateful to all my online friends here and on FB who have supported me through this period in my life and without you guys, I don't know if I'd be here blogging today.

So, small steps each day, just getting up and doing the best I can for each day is all I'm focusing on, no grand plans, no fantastic weight loss goals, just one step at a time, doesn't matter how long it's going to take me and I don't even have any real ideals that I wan't to achieve except, I couldn't keep going the way I was these last few months, I was slowly going backwards, finding the pain almost unbearable, my legs so heavy to move around I was barely moving at all, that was no life, I want more than that.

Ok, weighed in Friday night for 207.7 kg (456.94 lb) - yep shocking I know, but it's a start, by accepting those numbers and making the decision to turn it all around.

My blog won't just be about weight loss anymore, but about my lymphoedema, my struggles to improve my quality of life, my mobility, working out ways in dealing with chronic pain, becoming healthier, fitter, learning to love myself again and living life to the fullest, every single day!

My name is Anne and today, I chose to do things differently, I chose LIFE.