Weight result - Wed 29th Jan

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 198.5 kg | 436.7 lb

Now: 196.5 kg | 432.3 lb

Loss: -2.0 kg | -4.4 lb

Total losses: -36.7 kg | -80.7 lb

Losses for 2014: -8.9 kg | -19.6 lb

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Well after not only keeping off the 8.2 kg loss last week, this week I lost another 2.0 kg!  So I think I can safely accept the numbers from last week - woohoo :)

But I'm still not eating anywhere enough daily and my fitness pal is going nuts telling me this each night as I close logging for the night so I really do need to pick it up more.

It's telling me I need to be at least eating 1200 cal so I am going to try this week and see how it goes.  For the record I'm still only managing around 800 - 900 cal daily so yep room for improvement

Unfortunately was unable to go to gym today as Toni had a problem with her right eye and with her friend's wedding coming up soon, I wanted her to just rest and help the eye improve.

Tomorrow new day, will try and have at least the minimum calories of 1200 if not more and hopefully soon I will feel up to eating and enjoying my meals rather than just eating cause I have to!

Weight Results Jan 22nd

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 206.7 kg | 454.74 lb

Now: 198.5 kg | 436.7 lb

Loss: -8.2 kg | 18.0 lb

Total losses: 34.7 kg | 76.3 lb

Losses for 2014: -6.9 kg | -15.2 lb

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Worried that this isn't a true weight loss as I only managed an average over four days of 666 cals cause I stressed myself out about a situation that I always knew would be happening in the future but I got a wake up call that it could be a lot sooner than I thought and I just completely broke down last weekend.

Don't worry it's nothing bad, in fact it's a natural situation that I know is good and right but it means a major adjustment for me and the kids and that's what I'm having an incredibly hard time with right now.

So I'm just trying to focus on eating healthily even it's it's only small until such time I'm ready and dealing better with future changes in our lives.

So till then, I'm still here, still on track, still going to gym (like today) and just focusing on toughening up emotionally, mentally and physically.

Weight Results for Wed 8th Jan 2014

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 205.4 kg | 451.9 lb

Now: 206.0 kg | 453.2 lb

Loss: +0.6 kg | 1.32 lb

Total losses: 27.2 kg | 59.88 lb

Losses for 2014: +0.6 kg | +1.32 lb

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Frustrated but having to accept this gain, but now concentrating on the new week.

Been really hard these last couple weeks and harder times to come emotionally with decisions I don't want to have to face let alone make in regards to my mother.

Just trying to keep things together right now.

First day back at gym for 2014

I'm not sure if I mentioned this on the blog or not but I had another episode of back / leg spasms starting morning of 27th Dec which was the night my family was coming down for Xmas dinner plus I had invited Toni's boyfriend Paul and his mum and dad too as I actually hadn't met them yet, so thought this would be perfect with all my family around to meet them too. 

(On side note, my mother actually was very upset with me for having invited them and made sure I knew that, plus she wasn't happy about coming down anyway even though she didn't have to drive as my brother in law was bringing her, but she was going through her phase of telling her friends and church family that the wrong daughter had died, Lynne had so much more to offer than I and had achieved so much, it wasn't fair that it was her, not me and so on, so as you can understand, I was pretty hurt by that plus the fact she didn't care enough to want to meet her granddaughter's prospective in laws either, anyway I digress)

The lymphoedema flares up at times not with cellulitis but with what they think is tiny clots or blockages where all the crappy toxins trying to get out of my body gets blocked and presses on nerves that then shoot incredible pain through my back, side and down my right leg as well as weakening the leg to where I couldn't put any weight on it at all and of course, it chose today to flare up again even worse than normal

So I had to be doped up the highest I have had since my last hospital admittance which did help with the night but I have been paying for it ever since, it normally can take up to 14 days for the pain to lessen and I regain what normal use of the leg I have.

Anyway, I was feeling better today hence me going to Curves gym tonight just for a gentle workout and now I'm back in bed resting hoping that I don't pay for it tomorrow

Looks like we are changing our gym days to Weds at 6:00 pm so that will be interesting :)

Ok pain meds are kicking in so might try and get couple hours sleep, night all :)

Weigh in results for 1st Jan 2014

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 204.5 kg | 449.9 lb

Now: 205.4 kg | 451.9 lb

Loss: +0.9 kg | 2.0 lb

Total losses: 27.8 kg | 61.2 lb

Losses for 2014:

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Welcome to a brand new year, new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams, new needs, new wants.

I am going to do things differently this year, mainly my attitude, I want to toughen up mentally and put myself, Michael & Toni-Maree first, in all I do and say.  To concentrate on doing what I need to do to better myself physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.  Hopefully this will then enable me to focus more on losing weight and coping with the lymphoedema and it's side effects such as cellulitis, lessened mobility and being housebound more often.

Then of course I want / need to focus more on OTEN to this year, this month even.

Oh for the record, when I think of family now, it's more like me, Michael, Toni-Maree & Paul H with mum, John, Kate & Andrew plus Christine & Craig.

Unfortunately I have had to accept that Darren for whatever reason is not interested in me or us being part of his life and much as that hurts, I need to let go of this as it only hurts more while I keep thinking "what if?"  I need to close this chapter and move on, though the door will always be there and unlocked for him so to speak, it no longer will be opened on my side.

Harsh but I need to do this, to refocus on whom and what is important in my life.

I want to make this year a better one for Michael & Toni-Maree and one of these steps is to be more at peace with myself, less stressed and more in control of what I am able to control.

"Don't sweat the small stuff"

"Que Sera Sera"

"Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin." - Mother Teresa

"Carpe Diem."

I want to live the best I can, enjoy my family, laugh, cry, have fun and just live life with no regrets, no "what if's", no "I can't", but rather why not?