Update Sun, afternoon tea with my family

Had a fantastic day today, mum and John came down for afternoon tea up at our local coffee shop.  First time I've ever done that, the afternoon tea bit and it was really nice.  We sat at the tables outside and had cappuccino with a large hot scone, jam & cream, delicious.

This of course was my early birthday treat and I really enjoyed it, thanks Mum :)

Kids have been sneaking around whispering etc lol not hard to guess what about, but I'm loving it.  I never had birthdays etc celebrated when I was with my ex husband as he didn't believe in it, so for fifteen years, nada.

So kids are making it up for me and it's a lot fun, not at all to do with money or expensive gifts, but rather time together with fun little things like special dinner or sweets etc.

I am anxiously waiting to see what they've cooked up for me in more ways than one!

Hehehe hopefully not a bag of marbles which is what I bought my mum for her 80th as she kept saying she hoped she didn't end up losing her marbles, so I bought her a big bag of them hehehehe

Ok I'll be back on Tuesday with a big update on my big day, well, 49th to be precise lol

19th Feb - weight results

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 195.1 kg | 429.2 lb

Now: 198.0 kg | 435.6 lb

Loss: +2.9 kg | +6.4 lb

Total losses: -35.2 kg | -77.4 lb

Losses for 2014: -7.4 kg | -16.3 lb

--------------------------------------------------

Legs feel great and light even with a gain this week I'm not too disheartened, ok a little bit but I have to remember, I've had some really big losses over the past few weeks and to gain 2.9 kg is pretty tame in the overall scheme of things.

So on to new week with some challenges coming up ie my birthday lol.

Plus our new stove has arrived at the store and is all paid for as of today and will be installed on Friday - woohoo, can't wait!

Tomorrow apparently I have an appointment at home with Hearing Australia, news to me, but ok whatever, they were supposed to turn up months ago but kept cancelling on me, now at least I know they're turning up thanks to a phone call today, so even then they couldn't tell me if morning or afternoon, geez thanks.

Rain rain and more rain but where the heck is / are these promised thunderstorms eh?  BRING ME MY THUNDERSTORMS lol sigh.

Ok, since no gym today due to extreme wet weather, I must compensate somehow here at home, maybe some dumbell exercises watching MKR, but then again, some of the contestants make me want to throw something at the screen so maybe not?  LOL :)

On for the new week :)

Weight results Wed 5th Feb

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 196.5 kg | 432.3 lb

Now: 195.4 kg | 429.9 lb

Loss: -1.1 kg | -2.49 lb

Total losses: -37.8 kg | -83.16 lb

Losses for 2014: -10.0 kg | -22.0 lb

--------------------------------------------------

Well well, a loss of 1.1 kg this week, love it :) so since start of 2014 till now which is 5 weeks, I have lost 10.0 kilos, VERY happy with that.

Things are slowly getting back to what passes as the new normal around here.  

Our visitor who has been here since early Dec left to go back to Melb today so it's just us 3 again which is fantastic lol :) - so much better now, my friendship with this person goes back nearly 8+ years but I've had to finally accept that it was a toxic relationship! had it's good moments! but the majority of time it felt like I was back in my old marriage! I doing everything and getting nothing back in return, to the point on this visit, it felt like we were being used as a hotel, he taking everything from us and giving nothing back.  In fact, he was so rude to me, putting me down all the time, if the kids said something, he'd agree with them but if I said the same thing, he'd say I was wrong and stupid etc.

The kids were getting really upset with how he was treating me and frankly so was I.  I hate giving up on people but I can't continue this friendship anymore.  We no longer have any interests in common, when he's back home he only talks to me when he wants me to do something like eBay etc for him, we don't talk apart from that.  He never asks how I'm doing, even when I'm sick, he believes in everything I don't eg he's racist, extremely vulgar in language, sexist, he hates his family, talks all the time about killing his mum, his brother etc, he holds grudges, swears he'll kill anyone who crosses him, he has weapons and ammo hidden in his room and because of excessive drug use he became paranoid with depressive tendencies which he then "used" to get the disability pension.  Which he now gloats over how much he gets for doing nothing, he has been prescribed medication which he pretends he's taking to everyone else but to me he brags how he fills the script out but throws them away.

Ahhh this is cathartic :). I've never been able to admit this before, but I need to walk away from this "relationship" and I'm at peace about it.

All I wrote above is the tip of the iceberg, but you get the point.  After this visit (18th Dec till today) I'm out of pocket a lot as we paid for everything, food, drink plus the little room (which he did pay a weekly rent to the company direct for) but he used the air conditioner all the time in there so I'll have to pay extra on my next electricity bill, so yep, I'm broke.

If he even offered to pay for his share meals or drink, or offer to help us round the house etc, would have been great, but he didn't, he just lounged all day in lounge room watching tv or playing computer games in his room just popping out to ask when dinner etc, he left our front door unlocked at night, always came into my room when I was asleep and just stand right next to my head and just stare at me till I woke up then smirked and walked away.

He just seemed to think me and everything that was mine was his, he'd go through my drawers, read my papers, go through my purse, go on my computer etc, when I asked him to stop he'd laugh at me and keep doing it, he'd wake me up all the time, said I was sleeping too much, he made the kids so mad this time round, even Toni was snapping at him to stop treating me like he was, he just saw me as his I don't know what actually?

I am scared of him to be honest, this is a man who on arrival asked for a knife to put under his bed, he kept saying if anyone broke into his room he'd stab them and take the body up the Blue Mountains to dispose of... I don't know how much was bluff, but I've had enough.

So he's gone back home and I've removed all ties to him from my computer as in contact, like Skype etc so he can't see if I'm there or not.  I want out, he's not the friend he used to be in the past, he's not good for my family and it's time I stood up and say I'm worth better than this!

But I'm sad too.

Weight result - Wed 29th Jan

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 198.5 kg | 436.7 lb

Now: 196.5 kg | 432.3 lb

Loss: -2.0 kg | -4.4 lb

Total losses: -36.7 kg | -80.7 lb

Losses for 2014: -8.9 kg | -19.6 lb

--------------------------------------------------

Well after not only keeping off the 8.2 kg loss last week, this week I lost another 2.0 kg!  So I think I can safely accept the numbers from last week - woohoo :)

But I'm still not eating anywhere enough daily and my fitness pal is going nuts telling me this each night as I close logging for the night so I really do need to pick it up more.

It's telling me I need to be at least eating 1200 cal so I am going to try this week and see how it goes.  For the record I'm still only managing around 800 - 900 cal daily so yep room for improvement

Unfortunately was unable to go to gym today as Toni had a problem with her right eye and with her friend's wedding coming up soon, I wanted her to just rest and help the eye improve.

Tomorrow new day, will try and have at least the minimum calories of 1200 if not more and hopefully soon I will feel up to eating and enjoying my meals rather than just eating cause I have to!

Weight Results Jan 22nd

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 206.7 kg | 454.74 lb

Now: 198.5 kg | 436.7 lb

Loss: -8.2 kg | 18.0 lb

Total losses: 34.7 kg | 76.3 lb

Losses for 2014: -6.9 kg | -15.2 lb

--------------------------------------------------

Worried that this isn't a true weight loss as I only managed an average over four days of 666 cals cause I stressed myself out about a situation that I always knew would be happening in the future but I got a wake up call that it could be a lot sooner than I thought and I just completely broke down last weekend.

Don't worry it's nothing bad, in fact it's a natural situation that I know is good and right but it means a major adjustment for me and the kids and that's what I'm having an incredibly hard time with right now.

So I'm just trying to focus on eating healthily even it's it's only small until such time I'm ready and dealing better with future changes in our lives.

So till then, I'm still here, still on track, still going to gym (like today) and just focusing on toughening up emotionally, mentally and physically.

Weight Results for Wed 8th Jan 2014

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 205.4 kg | 451.9 lb

Now: 206.0 kg | 453.2 lb

Loss: +0.6 kg | 1.32 lb

Total losses: 27.2 kg | 59.88 lb

Losses for 2014: +0.6 kg | +1.32 lb

--------------------------------------------------

Frustrated but having to accept this gain, but now concentrating on the new week.

Been really hard these last couple weeks and harder times to come emotionally with decisions I don't want to have to face let alone make in regards to my mother.

Just trying to keep things together right now.

First day back at gym for 2014

I'm not sure if I mentioned this on the blog or not but I had another episode of back / leg spasms starting morning of 27th Dec which was the night my family was coming down for Xmas dinner plus I had invited Toni's boyfriend Paul and his mum and dad too as I actually hadn't met them yet, so thought this would be perfect with all my family around to meet them too. 

(On side note, my mother actually was very upset with me for having invited them and made sure I knew that, plus she wasn't happy about coming down anyway even though she didn't have to drive as my brother in law was bringing her, but she was going through her phase of telling her friends and church family that the wrong daughter had died, Lynne had so much more to offer than I and had achieved so much, it wasn't fair that it was her, not me and so on, so as you can understand, I was pretty hurt by that plus the fact she didn't care enough to want to meet her granddaughter's prospective in laws either, anyway I digress)

The lymphoedema flares up at times not with cellulitis but with what they think is tiny clots or blockages where all the crappy toxins trying to get out of my body gets blocked and presses on nerves that then shoot incredible pain through my back, side and down my right leg as well as weakening the leg to where I couldn't put any weight on it at all and of course, it chose today to flare up again even worse than normal

So I had to be doped up the highest I have had since my last hospital admittance which did help with the night but I have been paying for it ever since, it normally can take up to 14 days for the pain to lessen and I regain what normal use of the leg I have.

Anyway, I was feeling better today hence me going to Curves gym tonight just for a gentle workout and now I'm back in bed resting hoping that I don't pay for it tomorrow

Looks like we are changing our gym days to Weds at 6:00 pm so that will be interesting :)

Ok pain meds are kicking in so might try and get couple hours sleep, night all :)

Weigh in results for 1st Jan 2014

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 204.5 kg | 449.9 lb

Now: 205.4 kg | 451.9 lb

Loss: +0.9 kg | 2.0 lb

Total losses: 27.8 kg | 61.2 lb

Losses for 2014:

------------------------------------

Welcome to a brand new year, new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams, new needs, new wants.

I am going to do things differently this year, mainly my attitude, I want to toughen up mentally and put myself, Michael & Toni-Maree first, in all I do and say.  To concentrate on doing what I need to do to better myself physically, mentally, emotionally and socially.  Hopefully this will then enable me to focus more on losing weight and coping with the lymphoedema and it's side effects such as cellulitis, lessened mobility and being housebound more often.

Then of course I want / need to focus more on OTEN to this year, this month even.

Oh for the record, when I think of family now, it's more like me, Michael, Toni-Maree & Paul H with mum, John, Kate & Andrew plus Christine & Craig.

Unfortunately I have had to accept that Darren for whatever reason is not interested in me or us being part of his life and much as that hurts, I need to let go of this as it only hurts more while I keep thinking "what if?"  I need to close this chapter and move on, though the door will always be there and unlocked for him so to speak, it no longer will be opened on my side.

Harsh but I need to do this, to refocus on whom and what is important in my life.

I want to make this year a better one for Michael & Toni-Maree and one of these steps is to be more at peace with myself, less stressed and more in control of what I am able to control.

"Don't sweat the small stuff"

"Que Sera Sera"

"Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin." - Mother Teresa

"Carpe Diem."

I want to live the best I can, enjoy my family, laugh, cry, have fun and just live life with no regrets, no "what if's", no "I can't", but rather why not?

Happy New Year - roll on 2014

Happy New Year everyone :)

Been a while since I've last posted but things have been all over the place suffice to say, I am looking forward to renewed outlook on life in 2014.

I'm looking forward to going to gym every week, to start going swimming again, study through OTEN,  eating healthier, having more quiet times to really focus on what I want for myself and my family for the future.

I'll be back hopefully updating more often in 2014, so on that note, listening to fireworks going off all around me, I will sign off for 2013 and will catch up with you all in 2014.

Take care everyone :)

Weight in results for Wed 18th Dec

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 204.0 kg | 448.8 lb

Now: 204.5 kg | 449.9 lb

Loss: +0.5 kg | 1.1 lb

Total losses: 28.7 kg | 63.14 lb

Bought new vacuum cleaner, kambrook, $89.00

Paul arrived today plus his room, paid $660 for del, install and pickup

Felt crap the last few days even more so since "tom" arrived, it's Wed and tonight just felt off, nauseous, ended up way under calories and made myself eat some shapes for supper since I didn't eat much dinner, no lunch and only nutrigrain for breakfast

Tomorrow if I feel up to it, have an appointment for Michael at Westmead Hospital after lunch, so hopefully I'll be up for it, then gym on Fri.

Bit bummed bout the gain but was only 500g or 1.1 lb so not too bad, trick is to stay focused and concentrate on the next two weeks as I think we might weigh in next on 1st Jan 2014.

Anyway short entry tonight.

Weigh in results

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 205.9 kg | 453.0 lb

Now: 204.0 kg | 448.8 lb

Loss: -1.9 kg | -4.2 lb

Total losses: 29.2 kg | 64.2 lb

This is cool, felt like I had lost but I tend not to trust those feeling as I'm so often bitterly wrong but not today :). A nice -1.9 kg loss!

To top it off, Toni went and beat me with a resounding 2.6 kg loss AND she's her lowest weight too, so now she's concentrating on slow and steady with the goal in mind of fitting her beautiful dress we just bought for a wedding she and Paul are attending in Feb 2014.

So proud of her, she's really embraced doing the weight loss and fitness with me, really helps keep me motivated too.

Feeling off tonight, very tired and both legs feel like I have fire ants inside them, I've been bragging about how I haven't had to have extra painkillers apart from my daily am & pm OxyContin tabs but tonight, I swear I am a sec away from grabbing an Endone!

Weigh in results

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 206.3 kg | 453.9 lb

Now: 205.9 kg | 453.0 lb

Loss: -0.4 kg | -0.9 lb

Total losses: 27.3 kg | 60.1 lb

So a loss of 400g this week and according to MFP (my fitness pal) I was on plan to lose 500g so very happy with that.

I have though updated my profile to aim for at least 0.75 loss this week, so my calories have dropped down which is fine by me.  I was thinking of going higher and aiming for 1.0 kg per week but nah, not with my physical limitations, not yet, I just want to get into a rhythm and see how things go naturally.

Went out today on a surprise outing lol I thought Toni was going on her own till she beeped at me from the driveway where she had turned the car to make it easier for me to get in and off we went :)

Ok ok it was only to the Pet Barn store but it was fun but oh so hot, I'm not used to being out siting in the car, unfortunately I couldn't go inside so waited in car but that was ok, we used Hangout video on our phones as she walked through the store so I could see what was in ther and we spent up big, mainly medications etc for the dogs as one of them is badly affected by flies and on her ear they've opened up a small sore, so we now have antiseptic ointment, repellent spray, waterproof antibacterial spray, plus a special brush to help shed her coat is it a shedder brush? Anyway, we tried it and definitely was worth buying.

Plus a really big ceramic water bowl plus some extra buckets to fill with water too, plus a new frame bed to keep them off concrete when they want to sleep outside kennel.

Oh we also bought a really cheap ($45) pop up 3m x 3m gazebo to put outside to give dogs some shade too and we will put their bed under there too, oh and some collars too lol.

Yep spent a bit but well worth it, they're pets sure, but to us, they're family too especially my older dog (12yrs) as she's been there for me when I was at my lowest, unconditional love!

So early Christmas present for them :)

Weigh day end November

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 207.8 kg | 456.7 lb

Now: 206.3 kg | 453.9

Loss: -1.3 kg | -2.9 lb

Total losses: 26.9 kg | 59.2 lb

First week using Roxy my fitbit companion plus myfitnesspal as well, steep learning curve using these programs / apps but slowly getting to grips with them especially using the steps or movements as I renamed them lol racks up an impressive score of up to 1500 per day which is great encouraging me to move more even if it's not steps per se but whole body movement or arm exercises etc, it all counts.

Apart from that though, this week has been tough physically with my legs playing up a lot, spent most of the week in bed with legs up or napping, didn't get much done in way of study which was upsetting.

Nothing much else to report except that I'm doing ok and feeling very positive both of which are very good things indeed!

Weigh Day

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 208.6 kg | 458.9 lb

Now: 207.8 kg | 456.7 lb

Loss: -1.0 kg | -2.2 lb

Total losses: 25.6 kg | 56.3 lb

A kilo lost this week, pleased with that considering, actually, no, let's leave it as, I'm pleased :)

I missed "tom" last month but sure enough it turned up on Mon with all it's associated aches and pains, really painful actually especially with the legs as they swell up more than usual and feel very hot to touch, like I'm burning up inside as like a cellulitis attack but thankfully not an actual one.

So been a pretty ouchy past few days but hopefully finishing today or tomorrow then it's back to gym and maybe swimming (cross fingers).

Ooh I bought myself or the kids did for me :) a new flexbit flex whom I have named "Roxy" or flexy sexy Roxy lol and I know there's a fair amount of tweaking to get it set up for me example setting up my stride lengths or lack thereof as it's saying I'm doing a hell of a lot more steps than I am, so once it's adjusted for my little waddle steps hopefully will be more accurate.

But I like being able to track my sleep and steps even if it's only 50 a day, I can then strive for 55, 60 and so on.

Plus I can do my weights, seated boxing, bed dancing etc and it all gets counted, so will encourage me to do a little more each day, doesn't matter if the actual number is weird, too little or too much or for what exercise it counts, just that for each day after, I can do a little more and mentally that's a good boost.

I have got my fitness pal app too and might try that as they both link together too, as I said, tweaking to be done but that's ok, I needed something to lift my spirit up as I've been feeling pretty low recently and yeah I know, stopped blogging or answering ppl on Facebook for which I humbly apologise.

I guess I'm just disappointed that I just can't get out of the 200's and it's driving me crazy and the extra weight is literally killing me piece by piece as my legs are starting to feel the added pressure.

Plus other signs are depressing me too, mainly the lack of use my legs have been getting is leading to muscle weakness and atrophy which is really worrying.  I feel it very much so lately with back of my heel, ankles and calf, hurts to flex my feet and when I stand up it's bearable but take a step and bam, feels like hot knives stabbing the back of my heels / feet.

I'm scared I'm totally losing the use of my legs :( and that's it too late!

Weigh day and update on Michael

Start: 233.2 kg | 513.04 lb

Was: 206.2 kg | 453.6 lb

Now: 208.6 kg | 458.9 lb

Loss: +2.4 kg | +5.3 lb

Total losses: 24.6 kg | 54.1 lb

Really depressed at the moment re these numbers, just seem to be going backwards without stopping and yeah I get a couple good weeks then bam, gain after gain after gain!

Decided to take my frustrations out on planning some good meals for the coming fortnight and also did an online shop as well sticking completely to my list, yeah go me :)

Today in defence of the gain, was pretty much expected since I was out most of the day either in the car traveling to and from the hospital plus sitting in the wheelchair for hours which is definitely not good for the legs as I could feel them swelling under the thighs and above the knees as I was sitting and sure enough, when I went to get back in the car, was a real struggle not only to life my actual leg in, but to be able to physically fit both legs in AND shut the door, very tight squeeze with absolutely no gap between the door and my left leg or the middle console and my right leg and with the extra swelling under the upper thigh, I couldn't lift myself up enough to sit properly as the swelling stopped my bum / upper thigh from sitting on the seat, so very uncomfortable and ok, unsafe trip home.

Once there of course, it was a struggle to get out, go to the bathroom then such a relief to just flop into bed and immediately raise my legs up and just relax, actually Jackie, I'm sorry, I think I snoozed off while chatting to you

Anyway, it's early Thursday morning here and I'm sitting up in bed with legs still raised and actually feeling pretty ok which is great :)

In regards to why we were at the hospital today, was for Michael.  He has had a really bad sore on the front of his left leg, it's not open but it's pretty nasty looking and just won't go away, been a couple years and I finally got him to agree to get it checked out as now it's looking really bad.

So we went to the leg ulcer clinic at Blacktown Hospital and the nurse and doctor both said after looking at it and getting his history etc, well the nurse did, the doctor just sat there with her back to us, talking away on her phone.

Strangely enough, the nurse knew me from Westmead and Blacktown hospital on my many admittances and boy it was good to say I wasn't the patient :)

Anyway, they said they want to refer him to the dermatology clinic at Westmead for follow up as they have absolutely no idea what it is, they said he might have had an ulcer way back but doesn't now.

But the other concern is his left leg is twice the size of his right from toes up to the knees.  They were talking bout his lymphatic system and my ears pricked up, I had to ask since it is suspected that primary lymphoedema can be herititary.

The doctor then said in between talking on the phone mind you, that it wasn't relevant or important what I had since we're not related!

WTF?  The nurse, Michael and I just looked at each other and shook our heads.

Um hello?  I'm his mother the nurse told the doctor who just went meh and went back to talking on the phone.

I was pretty ropable by now and wanted out of there, Michael just rolled his eyes lol

Anyway, they took lots of blood and he had an X-ray as well.  Plus they took a photo of his leg to put with the referral they would send to Westmead and that was it.

Now we wait.

Michael said afterwards, she must have thought I was his wife or girlfriend so take it as compliment that I looked young enough? Lol yeah right!

In all seriousness though, we are going to ask that the dermatologist exhausts all other avenues in finding out what this is on his leg before doing the biopsy as it was the same dept, same hospital all those years ago that fucked up the biopsy on the front of my leg that awoke my lymphoedema.

We of course now know that if you suspect lymphoedema or a compromised lymphatic system, the last thing you do is open the skin on that limb or create pressure, so no blood tests, no injections, no blood pressure, nothing.

Too late for me but I be damned if I let them just play guess work on my son!

Anyway, this has turned into the post from hell I'm sure if you're still reading at this stage, but just feels good to get it all out there and I can stop worrying if for one night.

Birthdays

Happy birthday to my gorgeous puppy girl Jordan, she is starting to show signs of old age but her spirit is as loving, as fun as when she was a pup.  She loves me unconditionally and I can't imagine not having her around, she is my best friend!

Also today is my middle son's birthday, Darren, but as per usual, no contact, no calls, no replies to my texts, still hurts, still makes me cry but I have to toughen up around my other two as they have basically cast him out of their lives since he obviously has no desire to be in ours, but I'm his mum, I can't do that even though it would be easier emotionally I have to admit.

On a brighter note, it's my guy's birthday tomorrow so early skype session with him and organising him coming back over to stay few months from around Xmas which we both can't wait for, miss him heaps!

Health wise, lots of pain still with legs as per usual so dealing with that, but getting a little frustrated with how quickly my legs swell back up down when I spend any time sitting up in normal chair, I can't, won't, spend the rest of my life in bed, there has to be a better alternative surely?  And of course that reflects in my weight losses and gains, so dramatic sometimes it's overwhelming, I mean to gain up to 5-6 kilos from one morning to that night?  Ok I can see and feel the weight difference from morning to night but it's a little frightening to see the actual numbers reflect that and I can only imagine the damage, the toil this constant dramatic fluctuation is taking on my body, the stretching of the skin, the heaviness when I stand or go to walk, the overall pain, it's just mind boggling that my body is withstanding all this every single day.

But I carry on, no choice.

This week's happenings are hmm Mon, Michael has to go and get a referral letter from our local doctor to take to his appointment with Ambulatory Care Dept at Blacktown Hospital which is this Wed.  But Tues, he has to go up to Mum's at Kariong to help her put stuff out after dinner for her Council pick up, so he'll be there for dinner and do all that then head home, it's about 1-1/2 hrs from home to there, so not too bad.

Hopefully on Wed, I'll be well enough to go with him as he wants my company lol and since I set all this up, I guess I should go, hopefully we will find answers and treatment for his leg finally! 

Apart from that, weather has eased off here today, actually rained a bit, didn't get the promised storm though but maybe tomorrow?

Ok signing off for now

Michael's 32nd birthday

Michael's 32nd birthday today, wow, the years, well let's say I don't feel that old?  Yeah I know I had him at 16 yrs old and boy was tough, especially since I got kicked out of home once my mum and dad found out I was pregnant, the time I needed my mum the most, she asked my dad to tell me to leave, took many years before I forgave them, actually to be truthful I don't think I ever will totally forgive?

But, 32 yrs ago I had a beautiful baby boy, 9lbs, healthy, adorable and he had my heart from the first cry.

I nearly lost him though, a month or so old, I walked into his room just "knowing / feeling" something wasn't right and found him blue lying in the cot, not breathing and cold.

I panicked and since I was living in block apartments, I knew there were people home up the apartments near the street, so I decided to pick him up and run screaming up there begging someone to help as I didn't have a phone.

Luckily someone heard and called an ambulance and with all the shaking I was doing to him running plus God's help, we were able to revive him.

He ended up spending a few weeks in hospital and was diagnosed with gastric reflux, very bad to the point he had to have regular treatment and live in a Frazer chair 24/7 till he was over a year old.  Nothing was staying down and he had to have special foods etc but we got through it, all on my own, my parents believing it was what I deserved for what I had done, sex out of marriage yada yada.

Now, he's grown into a caring loving man who drives me totally insane at times, I grumble and complain, but I love him completely.

Happy birthday to my darling son and for the record?  I have absolutely NO regrets having him at all!  NONE my dear mother, none.

Ok yesterday, Michael and I went out to the local dog off leash park to see what it was like and we ended up going back home, grabbing our labrador and heading back.  It was a really great place, fully enclosed, was inside the Western Sydney Parklands and went for miles!  nature trails, this dog park and lots of other things I'm sure we will end up discovering.

But the park, yep, we will be going again very soon especially with both dogs as Shadow had a ball meeting up with all these other dogs.

I got jumped on by some bigger dogs which cause I was sitting in the wheelchair, they landed on my legs so have ended up with bruising, swelling and a lot of pain, hmm was a little pissed their owners didn't come and get their dogs and apologise I mean, hello, they were jumping on a disabled person in a wheelchair?

Anyway, next time we are going to be careful where we put me and keep an eye out for potential jumpees lol

But still was lots of fun and I got to go out for couple hours :)

Friday update

Pinch punch for the first of the month ...

Wow this year is just flying past but I guess I've missed a fair bit of it being sick so much which is beyond frustrating but nothing I can do about it apart from what I'm doing.

Michael's 32nd birthday on the 3rd Nov, now I feel old!

Just been taking things easy since going to gym on Tues and suffering so much day or so afterwards lol but was going to go today but had an appointment at home with Hearing Aust to reset my hearing aid but they didn't bother to turn up and when I rung up they said they had cancelled it they think but didn't ring and tell me!  Now have to rebook which could take months!  Sigh.

Oh got Michael's appointment date on 13th Nov for the Ambulatory Care Dept at Blacktown Hospital, basically the Leg Ulcer clinic.  Can't wait as I'm getting very nervous at how bad his leg is looking and I desperately want him getting the right treatment ASAP so he doesn't end up like me with my legs being undiagnosed or mistreated for so long.

Poor Toni got stuck helping me unknot my hair the other night.  Problem I have with being in bed so much is my hair is always put up in a ponytail to help keep it out of my way, but it just gets so knotty and when I'm sick so much, sweaty etc, I'm just not able to brush it and after few days wow it's bad.

Tonight Michael and I are on our own again as Toni has gone to her boyfriend's house and won't be home till late Sat night, then we are going to make Sunday Michael's spoiling day lol :)

Anyway, Michael bought these incredible looking Herbert Adams pies for our dinner tonight, will let you know how they go, hang on, might have picture of boxes.

Not sure which one we are having tonight though.

Weigh day again

Was: 205.5 kg | 452.1 lb

Now: 203.5 kg | 447.7 lb

Lost: 2.0 kg | 4.4 lb

Did not expect that result this week, makes 3 weeks losses in a row and nearly my lowest weight this year (203.4 kg)

So would love to get into the 190's soon and out of the dreaded 200's!

Even managed to go to gym on Tues too, hurt like hell afterwards but was definitely worth going.

Tomorrow Mum is coming over for lunch with Michael and I at home, celebrating early Michael's birthday which is Sun 3rd Nov.

Then hopefully on Fri, I have the Hearing Centre audiologist coming to reset my new hearing aid as it's definitely not on the correct settings, so hopefully we will fix that.

Owie my legs are really hurting today, not cellulitis hurt but like I've done 1000 squats, my upper thighs are killing me, strange as I only did upper body work at the gym but I guess having been in bed for weeks, getting out to the car, sitting in the car, then sitting in chair doing the exercises, I was holding my body straight with both feet on the ground, so obviously I was doing more than I thought and it shows lol or feels I should say hahaha.

Short but sweet, I will try to get back in here tomorrow (Thu) and update more.

Night :)

Reaffirming

Starting afresh, well not so much restarting but reaffirming?

I badly want to just be under 200 kg, I haven't got any time limits, restraints or grandiose ideas, I just want to put the 200's behind me once and for all if possible.

I know now that it's going to be an immense struggle, day by day having to juggle tracking, eating healthily, eating enough, drinking water more, Pepsi max less, move a little more often, even if just 5 mins, is better than nothing, exercise little but often, accepting that a lot of littles make up a big.

Focus more on building my immune system up, staying healthy and resting legs, this is key, the foundation of what I ultimately want to achieve which is weight loss and becoming stronger physically, mentally and emotionally.  That is the ultimate reward and my plan moving forward.

To achieve this I need to go back to basics, which includes blogging in some form, I have been on my iPad but not online and I'd like to go back to online as I loved being in contact and it helped keep me sane and feeling like I had some sort of control even when I didn't.

It also includes planning our meals, working out shopping lists and going online and ordering, I've struggled with this as I seem to drag my feet in getting organised each fortnight to do this on set days and I think I've figured it out why.  I think I was resenting online shopping because I saw it as stopping me from my only chance of getting out of the house as it seems lately IF I do get to go out, it's only to the shops, so if I start doing online shopping that's going to take away my only excuse for getting out.  Hmm not sure how to work this one out as the kids have both really drawn back from taking me out full stop.  I know it's hard work for them to take me out too and I'm now not even bothering to ask "can I go too?" as well, I guess it's easier without dragging me around as my son is very quick to point out.

So I guess, no I know, I'll start organising my online shop each fortnight.

Exercise, now this is a tricky one as it's very much a "catch 22" situation and I have to admit I'm a little lost as to how to handle it.

I'll try and explain.

When I exercise, my body is shaking and moving fluids around for example the lymphatic system needs to be manually pumped so moving my legs, ankles, calves and feet are pumping the fluid up my legs, around the body, the nodes etc and on it goes with the job of cleaning my body up of all the nasty toxins, excess protein etc

Which is great, except because of my diseases, a lot of this fluid getting moved around is old toxic stagnant fluid that is full of nasties that as it's getting shaken loose and forced to move, it's actually making me very sick, nauseous and 8 / 10 times I end up with an cellulitis episode, so yay for exercising but nay to then being sick and needing to recover.

So instead, I'm going to approach it differently, instead of set exercise times of set amounts, I'm going to aim for "lots of littles make a big" lol, exercise in little amounts often and see if maybe I can limit the repercussions until my body is able to cope better with longer amounts.

Well, that's my theory anyway, so will try that this week and see.  I need to try!

Ok that's enough for now, I'm still umming and ahhing as to posting this, not sure actually as I know people will sigh and say here we go again and as I've had quite a few people point out, I shouldn't blog as I'm not any sort of inspiration to anyone with my inadequate weight loss, I'm  obviously too big and should just give up and stop boring everyone.

So do I don't i?  Do I really want to put myself out there?  Am I brave enough?  I guess it boils down to just that.