29th March - Thur

After speaking to my brother in law this morning I decided to go to the gym this afternoon

Was teary at first being there remembering how much my sister loved and needed Curves plus having people telling me how great they thought she was even though they only recently met her , but eventually managed to get it together and have a really hard 30 min workout

Afterwards I was so pumped and glad that I did go 

28th March - Wed

I am coming back soon I promise, it's just been harder than I thought it would be, losing my sister, funeral, my health etc.

I'm scared but I want to get back into doing things right again and I hope I haven't lost your faith in me because to be honest I have lost faith lately in a lot of things and people including myself and I want to prove to myself, my family, my friends and loyal readers that I can do this!

17th Mar - Sat

Home again late this afternoon, lots to think about, sort out and process I think.  But we all agree (my brother-in-law, niece, nephew, my mum and my kids) that we need to focus on getting back into routine be it work, tafe, study, gym etc, that is what my sister would have wanted, but hard as it will be, we need to do this for her.

So after a breather today / tomorrow / monday, I'll look at going back to the gym on Tues and picking up my studying again as well as refocusing on my health, fitness, weight and my lymphoedema.

Thanks again for all your support and best wishes for our family at this time, you have no idea how much I valued all of your messages and phone calls.

15th Mar - Thu - my sister's birthday

Was dreading today, would have been my sister's 50th birthday today, she so wanted to make it, but.....

We will be heading up there later this morning (round 10.30 am or so) damn, hard to believe 10.00 am last week this day, she passed away.... and now today her birthday and tomorrow the funeral, it just sucks...

I'll be back early next week.

11th March - Sun

I just want to curl up in bed and stay asleep, it's been a very long few days and the kids and I came home late Saturday afternoon just to have a few days to spend together alone before heading back up the Central Coast on Thu for another few days.

The tribute race night at my sister's and brother in law's Slot Car shop was overwhelming with love, support and grief, but was very special to us all.

I'm struggling a bit with words so I won't ramble on here, but my sister's funeral is next Fri 16th March at 10.30 am with a get together at the RSL afterwards (we hired a room there) so I know that is going to be a very long day.

Mum is coping, just, and it's strange, my role as the youngest daughter, suddenly has shifted and I"m just not sure where I fit in now?  Does that make sense?  I'm just really confused and I don't think it's hit me yet that I have lost my big sister and life really has become a lot harder without my best friend.

My niece and nephew have been wonderful, I'm constantly in contact with them both by txt, phone and facebook while I'm back here at home and that's helping them but definitely helping me too.

John my brother in law is gorgeous, he's such a softie and he adored his Lynne as I know she did him too.

Lynne wrote on her status on FB soon after we found out the cancer had spread and that the chemo wasn't working - "Life sucks" and you know what, it does!

8th March - Thursday

As of 10.00 am Thursday 8th March my darling brave gorgeous sister Lynne, passed away at home peacefully.

Her funeral will be Fri 16th March but tomorrow night we will be having a "minis for lynnie" race night at their family slot cars center up the Central Coast as a tribute memorial get together

The kids and I will be home Sat for few days then head back next Thu to spend time with family as that would have been Lynne's 50th birthday (15th Mar)

7th Mar - Wed

I'm currently up the Central Coast with my kids staying at Mum's.

My big sister who has battled and won breast cancer recently found out that the cancer had returned and spread to her back, liver, lung and as of two weeks ago her hip

Two weeks ago they stopped chemo as it hadn't slowed the cancer and that was why I wanted to spend my birthday with her and the whole family.

But as of Sat she suddenly worsened and went downhill so fast it's taken us all by surprise and the doctors have said we would be lucky if she is still here end of this week

So we are spending time together with all the family at my sister's home where she is since she is in no pain we are looking after her at home in familiar surroundings

My niece Kate and my nephew Andrew have been wonderful and Lynne's husband John is such a loving caring man who is looking after her so beautifully

It is so hard seeing my darling sister in bed wasting away before our eyes, she hasn't eaten or drank since Friday, sleeping nearly all the time and when awake not comprehending but she has these moments when it all comes clear for a moment and tonight was one time. I was about to leave for a break and we were all in the room just gently talking to each other when suddenly her voice piped up calling my name not once but twice and she opened her eyes and looked right at me before she fell asleep again

Precious memory.

Kids are worried about me and my legs bless them but right now I can't focus on me

So it's late I'm tired but scared to sleep in case we get a phone call

3rd Mar - Sat - Weigh Day (late)

Previous weight: 193.3 kg | 425.26 lb
Current weight: 192.5 kg | 423.50 lb
Lost / Gained: -1.4 kg | -3.08 lb

2012 weight loss: +1.9 kg | +4.18 lb

Total overall loss: -40.7 kg | -89.54 lb

Quick post to update weighing data - hopefully back in couple days when recovered from this last cellulitis flare-up.

Weighed today since yesterday I was too sick to stand

28th Feb - Tue

Daily Tracking

Daily Pts Used: 67/60
Weekly Pts Used: 7/49
Exercise Pts: 6

Gym today :) smashed out 30 mins of arm exercises with and without dumbells at Curves, definitely felt the burn, thanks Wendy :)

Extremely hot day today too with a tease of thunderstorms but nada, nothing, just hot hot hot.  Maybe tomorrow?  They did say that it was the hottest day this summer?  Interesting.

Dinner tonight was lovely, fresh quiche lorraine with creamy pasta and potato salad plus lettuce, cherry tomatoes, carrots and fat free french dressing, very nice indeed.

Plus dessert was my favourite, 2 mini pavlova nests with 1 slice low fat icecream, diet choc topping and whipped aerosol cream - mmmmm.

Here's a pic from our trip up to the Central Coast on my birthday (Sat 25th)

Toni & I

27th Feb - Mon

Daily Tracking

Daily Pts Used: 00/60
Weekly Pts Used: 00/49
Exercise Pts: 4

Back on track today, no excuses - I have to look after myself too or it will be even harder dealing with my lymphoedema, so even though I only took off a few days, I am glad to be back counting points, exercising and drinking plenty of water.

Oh I never said what my mum and sister bought me for my birthday, a fantastic Expressi coffee machine - love it!!! Toni has been experimenting with the different strengths of coffee for me plus the mllk frother LOL I"m having LOTS of coffee well, couple a day that is LOL but it is really nice.

Plus the kids bought me books, stable table and two light soft fluffy blankets for when I'm in the chair, or wheelchair or even in bed, not heavy at all on my legs which is a major bonus.

Our puppy well, she's over 1 yrs old now, has an open sore on her ear and the flies have been bothering her something severe, so we took her to the vets today to get some antibiotic ointment and fly repellent so hopefully she'll start feeling better soon (she has slight infection in both ears that should clear up too otherwise another trip to the vets in 2 weeks if no better)

Anyway, about to have some lovely curried sausages with oven cooked chips and steamed vegetables - yummy :)  Just had to wait till Toni got home from Tafe which she just has... (her one night time class LOL)

25th Feb - Sat - Happy Birthday to me :)

Today was a day that I was dreading and looking forward to both at once.

Not only was it my birthday, it was the day I planned with my kids, Mum, brother in law John, my niece Kate and my nephew Andrew for me to attempt to drive up the Central Coast to spend some time with my sister Lynne.

I rested days before, I planned everything with military precision, my medication, things I needed to take with me etc.

I was so so nervous to actually attempt an 1.5 hour drive up to my mum's first, then another 1/2 hour up to my sister's and we wanted to keep it an absolute surprise for my sister Lynne.

I was worried about my legs, but all that was nothing to me as I really needed to get up to share my birthday with my sister.

My sister, she's so important to me, she's always been the strong one, my rock, I strive to make her proud of me and right now she's in the fight of her life again with this most horrible disease, cancer.

It's back and this round of chemo didn't do a thing, in fact, the cancer has spread a little more.. suffice to say, the news wasn't good at all and then she has suffered terribly with diarrhea, vomiting, fluid in the lung and has really struggled these last weeks and I just needed to be with her.

For the next two weeks she needs to regain her strength, start eating more and keeping it down so when she returns to the specialist in two weeks, she's in the best state to continue fighting with whatever the doctor comes up with and I just wanted her to know we were all there with her, supporting and encouraging her.

And I just needed to see her.

So, 9.30 am we were on our way, legs were down and it was an uneventful trip up to Mum's, once there though we rung my sister to give her little warning as she had had a bad night before, but after a little sleep earlier this morning, she was awake and so delighted to hear we were up there.

I was just so glad to spend some 3 hours with her and everyone, John & Andrew (husband / son) were able to leave the shop and spend lunchtime with us and my niece Kate didn't have to go to work till night time, so it was just wonderful to all be together - first time I had been able to make the drive up there for nearly 3 years!

I was sad to have to go, but she was so tired, trying to stay awake, but we wanted her to rest up as much as she needed so we packed up and got on our way.

Unfortunately, my legs swelled up so badly that I had trouble shutting the door which was the start of a bad trip home - so we dropped Mum off and instead of staying there for a bit, decided to keep going home as the legs would only get worse

Home after 7 or so hours away and yep, pain killer time and legs up as I had extreme problems getting out of the car as my leg got stuck again, but you know what?

It was damn worth it!

I am just so grateful that I was able to get up there and spend this time with Lynne, and I have another goal :)  It's Lynne's birthday in Mar 15th and it's her 50th and no matter what, I'm going back up there again!

As she said to me tonight, she was dreading turning 50, now she wants to turn 51, 52, 53 and so on.. and God willing, she's stubborn enough to do it too :)

Lynne, thank you, I loved sharing my birthday with you, just made my day special.. you couldn't come to me, so damn it, we all went to you :)

Love you sis..

24th Feb - Fri

Didn't weigh in today but that's ok

So excited, its my birthday tomorrow and the kids are planning all sorts of fun things for me :

I'll be back tomorrow with all the news

17th Feb - Fri - Weigh Day

Previous weight: 193.3 kg | 425.26 lb
Current weight: 193.9 kg | 426.58 lb
Lost / Gained: +0.6 kg | +1.32 lb

2012 weight loss: +3.3 kg | +7.26 lb
Total overall loss: -39.3 kg | -86.46 lb

I'm wrote something in FB that I had been struggling with and I'm going to copy and paste it here which might help explain how I'm feeling atm (apologies to those who might have already read it)

-----------------------------------------------------

Ok here goes (gulp) in the spirit of accountability, I will say I weighed in yesterday even though I seriously was thinking bout not doing so as I know the numbers lately have been getting to me, not the gaining and losing part but the part where the numbers dictate willingly or unwillingly my mood and mental state for the day / week even though I thought I was ok about it, knowing that fluid, lymphoedema, lack of mobility etc was a major part of my weight loss journey that I couldn't control esp on the scales but I did weigh in..

gained as expected but "only" 600 grams, now 193.9 kg

sigh, on with another week leading up to my birthday LOL
...
AND it's starting out as a beautiful day here in Sydney, blue skies, sunshine, cool breeze, kids asleep, dogs / cat asleep, just me up bright and early (couldn't sleep)

AND another plus, I went and had a long LONG shower all by myself.. (usually I have to have it with kids around a) in case I fall b) to help me get the shower chair inside as our shower is too small atm for me to manage on my own - which is changing come 20th Feb when they start work on enlarging the shower a little and lowering the hob from over 20 cm to 2 cm wooohoo)

AND I washed my hair too, so sitting here all fresh, feeling GREAT and ALIVE and determined to never NEVER give up no matter what..

If you read to the end.. I salute you :) I'm sorry it was so long but I just wanted to get it out there and brag :)

-----------------------------------------------------

I have had a hard time lately just getting mentally healthier as I have really been questioning myself in regards to the lymphoedema and it's worsening effects on my body, my health, my mind and I just wasn't sure how to deal with it esp when it came to my weight loss (or gain as it seems to be lately)

My head knows I am always going to be struggling with consistent losses with my legs and excess fluid, lack of mobility, cellulitis, hospital admissions, etc but my heart just weeps every day as how hard it is just to get up and out of bed let alone moving even the smallest of distances dragging the dead weight of my legs.

Somehow I have to come to terms with it, whether or not I ever will I don't know, it's a daily struggle that's for sure, every time I move I'm reminded.
But you know what? 

Every day I survive.. every day I get to experience life with my kids, the beauty of our ever changing weather, my gorgeous animals, my friends here on my blog and FB, my family, I mean, isn't that the most valuable thing in the world.. life?

So I fight, I struggle, I put up with the constant pain, but I live...

and that my friends is what it's all about.. so I guess, maybe I have got it right after all :)

16th Feb - Thu

Yesterday I bit the bullet and attempted getting back in the car for a drive down to the hydrotherapy centre and boy was it worth it!

45 mins of blissful swimming / walking in the warm water with fantastic weightlessness of my legs, you can't begin to imagine how it felt not feeling the tremendous weight of both my legs out of the water, just was so nice being able to stand up straight instead of hunched over and being able to just walk from side to side in the pool like a "normal" person!

Going home I stressed again about what would happen if my leg got caught again, but Michael helped me out of the car and it was fine, no problems, in fact, he dared me to get in the house, get changed and rush back out to the car for another trip out this time up to local shops to get some groceries and go browsing in Dick Smith's and Big W and of course I couldn't refuse!!! :)

Heheh we had a great time out and he took his time pushing me in Woolworth's so I could browse and see all the new items, (dare I say I love him for his sensitivity, well, some times anyway LOL)

And again, no problems getting out of the car, so maybe it was just a bad day that time?  Who knows?

Later this afternoon I'm heading to gym if Toni is up for it, she started Tafe this week and we're just settling into the new times and routines, so we'll see how it goes this afternoon.

I also did my boxing ball yesterday too for 30 mins, but we've lost the pump and the ball is almost completely deflated so I'll need a new pump with the attachment to be able to do this again (sad face - I really enjoyed it)

Sigh, not so long to my birthday, 47 yrs old, gee, I don't feel it mentally at all hehehe guess the kids keep me young at heart? :)

Ok, I'm off to get my study organised, back later tonight with updates..

PM Updates

14th Feb - Tue - Valentine's Day

been a while since my last confession (blog entry)

life has been tough since the the last post, my leg has been swollen, damaged by my episode in the car getting caught, so I have basically hibernated in the house feeling sorry for myself

but enough is enough

today is Valentine's Day and I owe it to myself AND my two kids to get over what happened and move on, not allow myself to hide away feeling sorry and give up on living life.

So, a very happy valentine's day to everyone, I like to offer this thought though, before we say "I love you" to someone else today, why not look at ourselves through a mirror and say "I love you" to ourselves first?

Truly the hardest thing in this world is to love ourselves unconditionally, without judgement, without censure, without ridicule

Here's me back blogging again, little quieter, little more hesitant, but not giving up.

Back later today :)

10th Feb - Fri - Weigh Day

Previous weight: 190.8 kg | 419.76 lb

Current weight: 193.3 kg | 425.26 lb
Lost / Gained: +2.5 kg | +5.5 lb

2012 weight loss: +2.7 kg | +5.94 lb
Total overall loss: -39.9 kg | -87.78 lb

Resigned, frustrated, but moving on - been a bad week mentally which even though I was on track etc, I just found it really hard to be motivated or happy.

Went out in the car with Toni to get her registered at Richmond Tafe (same one I am with) and I was sitting in the car for bout 3 hours which was fine, I had my music, books etc and was pretty comfortable for a change, but when it came to getting out of the car, well, my right leg had swollen up so much underneath my thigh, that the lymphoedema bulge for lack of a better description, got caught with the lever under the seat and I just couldn't get loose without a lot of pain.

Michael helped me to finally get out, but the after effects wasn't just physical (pain, swelling) but mental as I really sank to a new low - and I have been too scared to get back into the car since.

So dealing with all that plus the feelings of inadequacy, being housebound once again, I just hate being so lonely especially now I'm stuck in the house once again until my legs come down in size enough to fit back into the car without dramas.

In essence, I am a failure and it frustrates the hell out of me, to quote "the biggest loser" how is someone going to love me at this size?" and on top of that being in wheelchair AND lymphoedema?.. Talk about the evil trifecta!

4th Feb - Sat

Daily Tracking

Daily Pts Used: 55/60
Weekly Pts Used: 00/49
Exercise Pts: 4

Beautiful sunny day, now this is summer weather, but sure enough, rain is on the cards again for tomorrow and the rest of the week, hmmm

Toni was over at her boyfriend's place today, so just me and the boy who slept the day away, so was nice to just be by myself and listen to music and read.

We did however "escape" up the shops early evening and did our small grocery shop, hard to get everything I want fitted into a basket but too hard trying to push a trolley myself in a crowded shop, we make a bit of a traffic jam with the wheelchair and trolley LOL

But I got nearly everything and Toni and I will pop into Coles on Mon after gym and get the rest hopefully.

Yeah I know I normally get it delivered, but was nice to go and see what is available on the shelves as opposed to online.  Plus saving the delivery fee AND I got to go out, so score! :)

Dinner tonight Michael and I had beer battered fish and chips which was yummy.

After dinner I did my 30 mins weights (with zumba sticks) and combined stomach crunches with it as well which I have been doing all week and it feels good.

Hopefully I am getting back to "normal" and can pop off to gym on Mon & Thu next week without any problems - YAY go me! :)

Previous weight: 190.8 kg | 419.76 lb

Current weight: 190.8 kg | 419.76 lb
Lost / Gained: -0.0 kg | -0.0 lb

2012 weight loss: +0.2 kg | +0.44 lb
Total overall loss: -42.4 kg | -93.28 lb

Well, nothing lost, nothing gained, stayed the same. Hmmm.

Stopped taking antibiotics today, last one was 2 am Fri morning and that's it, zip no more antibiotics till next time LOL :)

But still on 1 tab of Iron, Vit D and Thyroxine plus of course my Seretide for my asthma, but apart from that, ZILCH :) finally!

Today it just rained .. and rained .. and rained .. well, you get the picture, it rained.. a lot!

The guys came and took the toilet door away today, hopefully will get it installed on Mon, meanwhile Michael tacked a doona cover on the door frame to give some privacy and it works really well thank goodness LOL

They also switched the bathroom door too so it now opens from left to right inwards.. does that make sense?  Door handle is on left side and you push the door in.. hmm

Tonight Toni went to a Game store in Penrith that was running a card magic game she plays?  not sure of the name, Magic the gathering or something?  Anyway, a whole lot of people go and play this game and she had a ball, was scared to go at first on her own (Michael was supposed to go but chickened out LOL but he did take her and picked her up) but after he saw how much fun she had, I think he's thinking of going next week, so yippee, I'll have the house to myself.

Actually I just sat back and watched The Sound of Music tonight for nostalgia, sigh love that movie!

Ok, tired now, so going to head off to bed and read myself to sleep LOL :)

Night all :)

1st & 2nd Feb - Wed & Thu

Wednesday

First of Feb already, it's just gone so fast this year sigh.  And all summer so far has been mostly wet and nothing like our "normal" summers at all.

Quiet day today, just spending time with kid, playing games, watching movies.

Toni and I did go out and pay a deposit to the Home Mods & Renovation (for disabled) guys from Our Lady of Consolation who will be doing some work in our bathroom for me.  Specifially widening the shower, lowering the hob from 20 " down to around 5" (going to be BIG difference for me getting in and out of the shower, at moment with the size of my legs, I can't lift them up that high to step over)

Plus they're putting in a handheld shower hose that slides up and down long pole (great for my son who is over 6ft so can slide it right up high) and great for me to have held held shower head.

Also they having to redo the shower floor, plus new tiles where they're extending it to the window.

We're also getting new shower tri fold doors put in as well.

Unfortunately the tiles won't match the rest of the bathroom which is a horrid old yellow / sandy colour but that's fine LOL :)  I'm just so happy to get a shower that will be massively easier for me to get in and out of and to use AND fits my shower chair too.  Our current shower was just the basic small square shape, not much room at all plus really high old fashioned hob that you had to step up and over to get in.

I'm also getting the bathroom door swung the other way, again allowing more room directly towards the shower, so the door will open up against the bath.

Of course, if I could have afforded it, I would have loved to strip the bathroom and start again with no bath, smaller vanity, some cupboards, big big shower, but I'm really happy to have this opportunity to even just get the little done that we are..

Last time I was in hospital I was visited by an OT (occupational therapist) who was able to point me in the direction of these Home Mods & Reno for disabled and elderly people which is run by the Our Lady of Consolation group. 

I am able to pay 10% of the whole renovation price then the balance monthly for the next 12 months which is fantastic, as the job is over $2600 a fair hit for me being on disability pension.

Oh we're also getting a "smart" door for the toilet too (our toilet is separate from the bathroom) - this means it's a "bi" door snigger as I call it LOL it swings both ways.. hehehehe

Yep, makes it so much easier for me to be able to get in and shut the door as the way it is right now opening inwards, I can't on bad days get in and shut the door as my legs are just too big and lately that's most of the time, so it's embarrasing not being able to shut the door BUT when it will now open outwards, and I just walk in and shut it behind me, bliss :)

What else? Oh yes they're putting in some rubber wedges leading into the door on the floor in the hallway to the bathroom and toilet as the carpet is a fair bit lower than the edge of the toilet and bathroom floors in the doorway, which means again, on bad days I was hitting my toes as I tried to lift the legs to step in.

Sigh, reading back it sounds so depressing with the stupid legs BUT hey I'm getting a really cool shower installed and can't wait :)

Friday (3rd) they're coming to take the door and do their thing to it to make it smart LOL

Then 20th Feb they'll start the actual bathroom - woot, an early birthday present LOL :)

Thu

Hasn't stopped raining all day, miserable and it stinks, so humid, terrible actually today, so stayed in bed most of it, just felt "off" and didn't want that to turn into anything.

I also dropped down to 2 tabs 4 times daily of antibiotics too as my stomach has been upset the last week and I really have had enough of antibiotics!

I didn't make it to the gym today either, again, just blah which isn't like me.

30th Jan - Mon

Daily Tracking

Daily Pts Used: 60/60
Weekly Pts Used: 10/49
Exercise Pts: 10

Woot, got to go to the gym today and it felt great, tiring, hot and intense pain, but it was good :)

We also bought a travel mug from Gloria Jean's so I can have a treat of skim milk cappucino on the way home and I get 50 cents off each time too when I get them to fill the mug, not bad :)

On the way home got a fantastic shot of the approaching storm / sunset on the way home from gym

Dinner tonight was scrumptious, chicken schnitzel w/ gravy, steamed vegetables, mashed potato, pumpkin and sweet potato w/ 2 slices of light garlic bread

Tracking: 100%
Food: 100%
Water: 100%
Exercise: 1 x 30 mins Curves weights, 1 x 30 mins home weights