No excuses, just accepting my limitations & doing the best I can in spite of them!
No matter how long it takes!
But I will not let this disease define me, it might hinder me, but it will not defeat me.
That quote above has been haunting me for a long time, it was something I had written a while ago but have struggled lately to actually believe.
I have been silent for so long that its become deafening, I feel alone, drifting with no real purpose, bouncing from one attack of cellulitis to another, from hospital "imprisonment" to home "confinement" with one day blending into each other, I feel lost, confused, tired and most of all, defeated and I hate these feelings!
There were some periods of good times in amongst all this, for example having my bathroom renovated (looks fantastic - will post photos later on), meeting a wonderful old lady called "Nancy" who was opposite me when I was in hospital couple weeks ago and she and I just connected like I have never done before plus we bonded further while in hospital the patient in the bed next to me died violently in front of us (had emphysema and suffocated vomiting up blood, very sudden, very awful)
Anyway Nancy and I meet up on Thursday's for morning tea up the local shops and just chat about everything including the fact Nancy is on borrowed time, she's over 80 yrs old and end stage lung cancer and under palliative care so as you can understand, it was / is really hard for me to get closer to her as I didn't want to go through the pain of losing her like I did with my sister, but what we both are getting from our friendship far out weighs the pain I known will experience in the near future.
But other times the sheer overwhelming scope of the amount of weight I need to lose, my increasing lack of mobility and increased pain levels just makes it so hard to even focus on where even begin to start again.
At the moment it's also so confronting with so many people trying to "tell" you the "right, wrong" way to eat, move, not eat, and so on and doctors that tell you "why bother as its too hard", "you're too big so give up" etc that all messes with my head and clouds the issues even more.
In fact the main thing I have learnt these past weeks is that what works for you, mightn't work for me and vice versa and that's ok! We are all unique and it makes total sense that what best serves our bodies will also be unique and individual so rather than trying to please everyone else or fit in with whatever trend plan is currently popular, I need to focus on what will work best for me and my "unique" body, my health and physical limitations, lifestyle, family situation, environment, and economics. Phew mouthful to say, but in essence, do what is best and works for me.
And that's ok!
I'm going to leave it there for tonight, I'll be back tomorrow hopefully a little clearer and with a better understanding of what's next for me, need time to accept the numbers and to realise that I am worth better than what I think.
Not sure if anyone still reads my blog anymore but for the record stats are as follows (weighed in today)
Fri 24th Nov
Original Weight: 233.2 kg (2010)
Current Weight: 208.2 kg
Overall loss: -25.0 kg
I wish i could pop through the computer and give you a big squishey hug girl. You know what is best for you so just take each day as it comes . Stuff the doctors you arent just giving up you are a strong women.Nancy has come into your life for a reason so enjoy the time you have :)
ReplyDeleteHave a great weekend and sinf heaps :)
Anne, You are still 25kg less than your highest weight. Some thoughts for you to mull over, If you eat healthy, low fat and as much unprocessed food as possible you will feel better and loose weight without putting the stress on yourself of calorie counting and points, Don't eat low fat yoghurts, icecream, mayonaisse or other dairy because the manufactures put extra sugar in it to make up for lack of fat which gives food taste, You and Toni could have great fun together trying new recipies, I know she is a wonderful support for you and would do anything to help you. Don't ever give up and don't listen to the Doctors who tell you to give up because you are too big and it is too hard for you. Every kilo you can manage to loose makes a difference.
ReplyDeleteYou love your exercise, be it dancing, or curves or your weights, do it when you are up to it.
Don't tell yourself you can't do it and give up, that is untrue, because you are a fighter, a strong, gutsy, positive, lovely lady and lots of people know this and love you for it.
Welcome back hun, have missed you here.
ReplyDeleteHugs xxx
Anne, sweetheart, this post really made me want to scream! Not at you but at those bloody doctors. What the hell do they think they are doing?
ReplyDeleteI went to Family Planning about 7 years ago to get the pill because my student health centre was really busy, so I thought I would ease the pressure on their services over Easter and go elsewhere. I got the nurse from hell, who weighed me in my coat and shoes holding my library books, berated me for being 30 kgs overweight (which to be fair I was/am) and when I said "can you tell me what I need to lose to get to a healthy BMI" (which I can calculate myself but was trying to engage with her) she told me "there is no point telling you because it will never happen".
You have major health issues which I can only begin to imagine, but even in my more straightforward case I think she was completely out of line. Anne, take care, and take heart, there are people out there that have faith in you, and Nancy sounds like a wonderful contact for you, as well as a good excuse to get out of the house!
Take care sweet pea. Penny xo